Hey now, look who is coming off a hot 3 and 0 night. Looks like someone learned how to handicap some Baseball.

Picks…

NY Mets (Pelfrey) -111 vs Marlins (Volstad)

White Sox (Peavy) +108 vs Royals (Greinke)

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He’ll probably run as Sarah Palin’s VP candidate in 2014.

Oh well, I’m still going to enjoy watching these baboons dance on my tv. Makes blogging about toilet seat fights and cowboy hip hop seem like rocket science in comparison.

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DING!

Whats the bell for Fat Bastard?

It’s a warning bell letting you know that it’s my tenth hot glove article. So far I have brought you all through some of the greatest inventions, life changing experiences, and stories of the 1990s but lets not forget to succeed in life one must fail many times first (BAM second quote of the year QOTY statement, 2 for 2 bitches).

I am going to go over some of the colossal failures of the 90s. You know specific things that the government is just going to wipe from existence to make it seem like they were never invented. I GUARANTEE you if you Wikipedia 90s in 5 years there are going to be paragraphs blacked out like area 51 transcripts so no one can know what people were talking about when it came to specific fads and inventions…

RING A DING DING DONG grundle guzzlers, that’s the bell and class is in session, get out your notebooks as I school you on the darkness of the 90s.

RAZOR SCOOTERS: Wow, you want to talk about a kid needing his ass kicked huh? Nothing and I mean nothing is worse than a razor scooter. It is slow as fuck for transportation, you cannot do any cool tricks on it, and its fucking tiny! Nothing is worse than trying to ride a shitty ass tiny scooter when you are 50 pounds over weight as a kid. You do a bunny hop and the thing bends so far down the metal base scrapes against the ground and you go flying off the damn thing. The worst part about the scooters was they took over for the 80s scooters, which I also had. Those things were the Christopher Walken of scooters. You actually needed air in those tires and a hand brake, non of this foot stomping on the back tire bull shit. Whats with the razor scooter tires as well… seems like large rollerblade wheels. If you ask me that some real stinky cheesy smelling pussy shit right there.

TICKLE ME ELMO: Last time I checked parents were beating the shit out of each other for these things…are you serious? I would stop speaking to my child for even asking for one.

“Dad I asked Santa/Hanukkah Harry/Kwanza Pete (or who ever Kwanza’s santa is) for a Tickle Me Elmo! I hope I get it!”

Response: “Get the fuck out of my house now…GET OUT!”

I really want to meet the pedophile who made that toy up. I mean seriously it’s a little fuzzy thing that vibrates and giggles in a kids voice with its mouth wide-open and big ass eyes. Do people even realize shit like that? I mean whats next…Tickle Me Creepy Guy in Van Trying to Give Candy to Kids?

“he he he yea kid, that’s the spot…keeeeeeeeep gooooooiiiiinnngggg”

when is enough enough? Tickle me Elmo, I want to say thanks for ruining the year 1996.

TAMAGOTCHI: Taking care of your pet on a little stop watch!

Fun?

NO!

Well that wraps it up for now with “The Dark Side of the 90s” I am going to listen to dark side of the moon and smoke a phat blunt, or realistically continue to sit at work and do actual work.

-Fat Bastard

p.s. after a few articles I will be back with more Dark Side of the 90s, lets be real…there is a lot to cover.

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Amongst preschoolers, Calliou is the fastest-ever-growing television show and is seen in close to 97% of U.S. households

The Spy’s Take:  Never heard of it either…know where it came from?  Asia..just you wait…

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God I really feel for this guy. Clearly he just wants to do a little window shopping, maybe hit up the food court for an aunt annies pretzel and a spicy number 9 from Panda Express.

Whoa whoa, did this guy just say he is cool with the cops cutting off his balls and arresting him? Suddenly yelling at a closed door doesnt seem so funny. Lock your doors Toronto, at least you can feel safe knowing he cant get past a locked door.

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Holy shit, what kind of animal is this kid? Just laughing it off, speaking gibberish, and smiling while his ankle is dangling from his leg. I would 100% be one of those kids screaming and pissing my pants as I booked it out of the gym. Like I’m hard as shit but its this type of stuff that I can’t handle. Dude was all sorts of fucked up.

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Tonight at midnight (et) the world will stop turning and most likely blow up. Either that or some really tall guys who are really good at basketball will become free agents.

ESPN and every other major media outlet has had a field day covering all the rumors, summits, and possible scenarios for the big free agents. Chad Ford even told Bill Simmons on his podcast that he talked to MJ’s former personal waiter at Gibson’s and the waiter said Lebron was definitely coming to the Bulls.

So if waiters can get into the mix why can’t TheHotGlove. Here are my predictions and general thoughts on where everyone is landing in the next few weeks.

New York Knicks -Sign Rudy Gay and Amare Stoudemire.

Even though the Knicks have spent the past 2 years trying to get Lebron I just don’t see him going to New York. The basketball side of it makes no sense. They have virtually no team and a GM that doesnt exactly seem apt in the current market, illustrated by the fact that Chicago and Miami have taken over as Lebron frontrunners. So prepare for your worst case scenario New York, you get Rudy Gay and Amare, meaning you will win 45 games a year and the 4th seed. Have fun with that.

Miami Heat - Sign Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh

No way Dwayne Wade is leaving Miami. The city and lifestyle are too good. The only concern Wade has with staying in Miami is the supporting cast, because lets face it the Heat sucked last year. That’s where that greasy scumbag Riley steps in. He’s going to talk Bosh into coming to Miami and he is going to take over as coach after the Heat clinch the 2 seed, then he’ll quit at the end of the year and do it all over again in 2012. I hate Riley, but the guy knows how to work the system.

Dallas Mavericks - Sign Dirk Nowitzki

Boston Celtics - Sign Paul Pierce

Both of these guys would have been fools to not opt out of their current contracts. With the new CBA on the horizon, players have to get their money now before the cap gets tighter. Doesn’t mean these guys are looking to jump ship, they’re lifers for their respective teams and I don’t see that changing.

New Jersey Nets - Sign David Lee

The Nets will take a swing at all the big free agents and miss. Which is ok, because I think the plan all along was to position themselves to be the only game in town when Melo becomes a free agent next summer.

Chicago Bulls - Sign Joe Johnson and Carlos Boozer

For some this is the worst case scenario for Chicago but I actually think this still puts out a championship caliber team. Johnson is the perfect off guard for Rose and a front court of Boozer and Noah will be able to bang with anyone. Rose gets to still be the man, and the Bulls will contend every year for the next 5 years. Not a terrible situation for Chicago by any means.

Cleveland Cavaliers -Sign Lebron James, Trade for Chris Paul

When all is said and done I think Lebron stays. He loves Ohio too much and he gets to live a very sheltered life where he is a god amongst mortals. Why would he give that up and burn bridges with his hometown? If he leaves, he’s dead to Ohio, and I think that fact alone will weigh on his conscience the most.

With that said, the only way Lebron stays is if he gets help. CP3 has stated that he is open to a trade and New Orleans is a team going nowhere with financial problems. If the Cavs take salary from the Hornets in exchange for Hickson and a cast of characters why wouldn’t New Orleans jump?

The East will be loaded with talent but no team will be a superpower. Exactly what NBA fans should want out of all this free agent hoopla.

So there it is, no need to watch ESPN the next month I just planned out all the free agents for you. Here comes every one of these predictions failing…

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David Cruise is me. Just crying hard over soccer. None of this fake sadness from the bandwagon chick, I’m talking real tears.

Its the world cup, its the world cup bro.

Ghana - Tearing out David Cruise’s heart since 2006.

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Just 3 Guys And A Cat, Totally Normal

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A North Carolina man was named this year’s champion of “The Great American Think-Off” in Minnesota for his essay on charitable giving.

The Raleigh (N.C.) News & Observer reported David Eckel of Clayton entered the contest, based in the town of New York Mills, with an essay taking the “no” position on this year’s theme question: “Do the wealthy have an obligation to help the poor?”

Eckel said he took the position for his 750-word essay, which beat 350 competitors, because charity needs to chosen and not forced.

Way to have a “Think Off” without inviting the greatest Thinker of all time. I mean are these guys serious? Do they really think this think off holds up in the eyes of the public when I wasn’t involved? Bullshit, you want to do some thinking? Lets do some fucking thinking and try to tell me I’m not the greatest thinker in the world, just try.

-Theres like 70 billion people in the world and half of them are Chinese, ever thought about that?

-I’m pretty sure the special sauce in a Big Mac is just ketchup and mayonnaise, ever thought about that?

-Sharks love to eat humans but humans don’t love to eat sharks, weird.

-Is Pam Anderson still hot?

-Why do I always talk myself into betting on a Donovan McNabb led team in the playoffs?

-If Superman and Batman had a tag team match against the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin, who would win?

See what I’m saying, I have about a million of these thought provoking questions just ready to blow your mind. So National Thinking Institute or whoever the fuck ran this competition, maybe next time you have a Think Off you should do a little research and invite the greatest thinker out there.

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