If youre still at work at 330 on the Friday before Memorial Day you need to find a new job.
I sure as shit am not, so my main man Eric Leebow is going to once again explain how Freezecrowd is the most revolutionary idea ever. I mean think about, passing out business cards on the beach, GENIUS!
Oh Fuck, He already does. My million dollar ideas don’t seem so stupid now do they. Don’t worry I’ll remember all of my readers when I’m nuking the rest of the world, including Florida.
ShareLove this news anchor’s Bouffant. I’m definitely growing my hair out like that.
Its everyone’s favorite time of the week where I knock your dicks off with some awesome million dollar business idea. Well today is a special day because the Business Idea not only is going to make me millions it will also give me ass-loads of fame.
Now if you know me, you know I am a simple man. Give me beer, tits, and fights and I’m like a pig in shit. So that is why, to no ones surprise, one of my favorite things in all of professional sports is baseball brawls, but more specifically retaliation plunking.
I love it for its simplicity, you hit our guy we hit yours.
Unfortunately these days managers and MLB have become a bunch of pussies. All of a sudden people are afraid of suspensions and hurting each other, well fear not, because now you have
Big Cat,
Plunking Specialist.
I do one job and one job only. I come in when a plunking is needed and I throw at a guy’s head until I hit something. Then I get ejected, serve my suspension, and start the process all over again. A manager doesn’t have to waste a real pitcher on a beaming and I sure as shit will never lose a fight on the mound when the ensuing brawl erupts. It’s a win-win.
I am also willing to do a few cycles of steroids for the good of the game which will naturally help my pitch speed and fighting skills. With a little help from PED’s I could probably throw in the mid 80’s, which is the perfect speed for plunking. Not too fast to cause brain damage but fast enough to prove a point.
I’m thinking once I dust of my old resume and start sending it out I’ll be getting multi-million dollar offers in no time. There is just no way this won’t work.
Tune in next week when I explain my idea about an online service that delivers groceries directly to your house.
Short and Sweet Today, so sit down so you don’t pass out.
Mittens for your feet. Going to call them Footens, the treat for your feet.
Sort of like socks because they go on your feet but not exactly because they’re mittens.
From: Coach
Sent: Friday, April 30, 2010 12:23 PM
To: Big Cat
Subject: Business Idea Friday
Big Cat,
Big Fan of the site. I had an idea for your Business Idea Fridays that I wanted to swing by you. I was thinking we could combine my draw as an A-list celebrity with your business instincts and smarts.
The idea is basically a website where you can post things for sale. Like apartments, tickets, blow jobs, cars, etc…
That’s basically all I have so far. I know it’s raw but I think it really has the chance of taking off. Just need some of your expertise and business skills to take it over the top.
The only thing I ask is that whatever we end up calling the website it needs to incorporate my first name. Like Craigsboard, or Craigssite. I don’t know, you’ll figure out the details.
All the best,
Coach
Craig T. Nelson
When Coach comes calling with a business idea you listen. That’s just a fact, guy is an absolute genius both on and off the football field. So Mr. Nelson, I accept.
Just give me a few months to think up that name, it won’t be easy but I’ll think of something.
ShareAs some of you may have read the US treasury recently came out with new 100 dollar bills. The thing is seriously wack. Like we are getting closer and closer to having that pussy currency Europe has with all the colors and weird shit going on. Just give me some badass dude who won like a million battles for USA a hundred years ago and we are good to go. Don’t re-invent the wheel here.
But what this bill really got me thinking about is the fact that counterfeiting money has gotten almost impossible at this point in time. If only because the Big Cat has yet to dip his dainty little toes into the counterfeiting water.
Until now…
Fuck trying to fake these 50 and 100 dollar bills, and I already covered the idiots from Alaska that tried to counterfeit singles. Nope, I’m going to start a counterfeiting ring making exclusively 2 dollar bills.
I mean does anyone actually no what a 2 dollar bill looks like? Every time I get one I’m in such shock that I have one that I don’t remember shit. It’s like a blur where I walk around town feeling like the bees knees just knowing I have 2 dollars in 1 bill. By the time I use it it has been such a whirlwind affair that I couldn’t tell you the first thing about what it looks like. I’m even convinced that you could walk into a bank with a counterfeit 2 dollar bill and they would have no clue that it was fake. I’d even be bribing cops with my 2 dollar bills, that’s how easy it would be.
Not to mention a 2 dollar bill could revolutionize tipping. Bartenders and Stripper get 1’s all day everyday, but a 2 dollar bill, you’d be drinking the stiffest drinks and getting the horniest lap dances in town. Just living like a rockstar 24/7 with your fake 2 dollar bills.
So as you can see this business idea is an absolute lock. Just no way it fails. I’ll be like Scrooge McDuck swimming in a sea of money.
Tune in Next Week when I tell you about my idea to create a website that will send you movies in the mail for a monthly charge instead of having to buy each individual movie.
ShareWelcome back to another installment of making sweet cash off of Big Cat’s ideas. Last week we jumped into reality television with my shark tank idea, brilliant if I may say so myself. This week we are taking on one of my favorite hobbies, crime.
What’s one of the biggest issues with vehicular crime whether it be a hit and run, dui, or driving a get away car from a bank robbery? The license plate. It’s just too damn easy for a snitch to rat you out after you plow through a red light and knock over grandma with her bag of groceries. Bullshit.
Until now. Behold, the license plate changer. With one easy button on your steering wheel my device will allow you to change your license plate to another random plate number. For instance, I drive a green Avalon, when I sign up for the license plate changer system I will get matched up with a random green Avalon’s plate number. That way when I rob a bank I can press the button and my plate will be some rando’s plate while I speed away.
Red light camera’s? Who cares. Hit and Run? No sweat off my back. With the license plate changer you can literally live your life like it is Grand Theft Auto, then when you get home at night just change those plates and your sleeping like a baby.
I’ve already done the hard work for this idea in creating a mockup (pic below). The easy part will be the technology, probably just change a couple wires here and a couple wires there and boom you have yourself a fake license plate to wreak havoc on the world with.
So another Friday down and another million dollar deal in the books. I’m guessing everyone in the world will want one of these bad boys, free crime? Yes please.
Tune in next week where I tell you about my idea for a board that you can ride down snowy mountains with. Sort of like skis but not really because it’s a board. Just got to think of a name for that one.
PS
Someone told me this idea was done in a Bond movie but I say bullshit. No one watches Bond for that shit, you watch Bond for the blazing hot chicks. If anything I may have subconsciously copied this idea from an episode of Chips where Eric Estrada does something badass on his motorcycle. Haters gonna Hate I guess.
Its everyones favorite time of the week, the time when we discuss the millions of dollars I will soon be making, it’s business idea friday.
So far we have ventured into the furniture business and the service industry (bear bar) so today we are going in a little bit of a different direction, reality television.
As a reality television expert I have been recently distraught with the direction of the current shows. Not enough blood, not enough heart break, not enough life or death situations. Well fret no more because my new show has that in spades. I’m sure most of you have heard of the show Shark Tank, well I bring you The Real Shark Tank.
The premise is simple but perfect. On one end of our 100 foot pool stands our contestant on the other end, his wife, kids, and any other immediate family. In the middle, SHARKS!
Now here is the catch each contestant gets to decide how many sharks they want in the pool, with each shark having a monetary value. You want 1 great white and 2 hammerheads? That’s $110,000 you stand to win. 12 great whites, you’re looking to make $600,000.
All you have to do is swim from one end of the pool to the other, during which your whole family is there to cheer you on or watch in horror as you become a bull shark’s lunch.
And don’t tell me we won’t be able to find contestants, because everyone in the world is looking to get rich quick. People will be lining up the block to play this game. We’ll even get michael phelps to be the first swimmer (I will rig it so he definitely gets eaten by a shark). It will be the greatest show in the history of the world. A ratings bonanza. So sit at your computer at your 9-5 while I make millions off blood, despair, greed, and Sharks, on THE REAL SHARK TANK…..
Tune in next week when I tell you about my plan to make a website where you can share information about yourself and re-connect with old friends.
It’s everyone’s favorite time of the week, that’s right its time for Big Cat’s Business Idea Friday. If you remember last week we covered an all White Leather Furniture store, this week we are going in a slightly different direction but still staying in the billion dollar idea category. So Lets get started…
What is one of the best memories of childhood? 99% of people have some memory of the first time they went to the zoo. Seeing all those animals close up, the tiger, the bear, the giraffe, Awesome.
What is one of your favorite things to do now that you are an adult? For 99% of people the answer is drink beer.
In the world of economics Awesome Thing + Awesome Thing = $$$$$$$$ (econ 101). That’s why I give you
Bear Bar is a bar where every type of bear known to man is held in captivity. You come to bear bar to drink and hang out with real live bears. Black Bear, Polar Bear, Brown Bear, Panda Bear, they’re all there waiting to have a beer with YOU.
But here is the catch, when you first come to Bear Bar you must sign a waiver releasing Bear Bar of all liability, basically a drink at your own risk form. Once you sign the form you a free to enjoy Bear Bar however you may want, but understand this, Bear Bar is not like your ordinary zoo with air tight security and handlers on staff to put down wild animals. Nope, these Bears are barely in their cages. They basically can roam the bar doing whatever the fuck they want. It’s part of the ambience. Yeah it may be a little unsafe but you signed the waiver so really we don’t care how you spend your time in Bear Bar.
Now tell me who wouldn’t want to go to this bar on a Friday night. If your friends say hey lets head over to bear bar I heard they got a new beer on tap and just shipped in an Asian black bear, would you say no and look like a pussy? I don’t think so. So Bear Bar it is where everyone can drink and chill with real live bears, just remember you signed that waiver form.
I’m also going to pitch this to the Chicago Bears and try to get some sponsorship going. Maybe get Urlacher in a cage every Friday and Saturday night. I don’t know how they could say no, unless of course they don’t like making money hand over fist.
Tune in next week for my BIF about a website where you can buy things in an online auction.
Editor’s Note
As some of you may know I’m an ideas guy. It’s just one of the many gifts god bestowed upon me. Every day I have at least one idea that is probably a million dollar idea, and that’s me being modest.
Who do you think came up with the idea for Onion Wings (Onion rings shaped like chicken wings, making them easier for dipping), or a Jorts Tailor, just making custom jean shorts for anyone and everyone. That’s right, I did. And guess what, I didn’t even have to work to think those up, they just popped in my head and BOOM another million dollar idea.
So every Friday I will be unveiling 1 of my fail proof business ideas just so you can take a peak into the mind of a genius. I warn you that I will only be revealing a fraction of my ideas, I have to keep the big ones to myself.
So Without Further ado, I give you Business Idea Friday or BIF for short.
Today’s Idea is simple but perfect. When you think of luxury what comes to mind? For me it’s 4 things – champagne, caviar, jaguar, and white leather furniture. Now clearly the market has been cornered on the first 3 but the last one is like the wild wild west just waiting for someone to make an ass load of cash.
Just think of it now – Big Cat’s White Leather Emporium. Everything in the store is made out of white leather. Couches, chairs, beds, tables, floors, even the silverware – all white leather. You need white leather you come to Big Cat’s, end of story. There is no other option, it’s Big Cat’s or milk crates. Ok, maybe crate and barrel or Pier 1 has furniture but do they have a certified white leather expert ready to serve you 24/7? I don’t think so.
Now I understand what some of you may be thinking right about now, “Big Cat, who cares about white leather, furniture is furniture, who cares what it is made out of”.
What you fail to recognize is that White Leather is for royalty, white leather makes every day special. I had a white leather couch in college that my roommates found on the street and every day I sat on that thing I felt like Prince Charles or King Tut. It gave me a bounce in my step just knowing that I was special enough to have white leather in MY living room. That feeling is priceless.
So if anyone reading this is ready to take the next step in their business career Ive estimated I need about 3 million dollars cash and we’ll be ready to roll as the White Leather King’s of the world.
Tune in next week for my BIF about an online store that only sells shoes, just be prepared to have your mind blown.
Alibi3col theme by Themocracy