Category: Celebrity Death Watch

Sep 01 2010

TheHotGlove’s Celebrity Death Watch

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Is everyone just planning on living forever? What a shitty month. Its like as soon as it got hot out all the cool celebrities stopped dying. The only thing that was close to a serious celebrity death was that fake Hulk Hogan death that almost actually killed me and that happened at the end of July. That’s how boring August was, I haven’t had anything serious on my radar for over a month.  Whatever, I think most of the celebrities want to hold out until the late fall, that way everyone will remember 2010 as the year they died. Fucking celebrities man, they even die in selfish ways.

Year To Date Standings

1. Dennis Hopper

2. Gary Coleman

3. Cory Haim

August Notables

Lance Cade (Wrestler) - Any time a wrestler passes an angel gets it’s wings, that and everyone at The Hot Glove headquarters is sent home early. Just can’t work when a wrestler is taken from us too soon. Cade was best known for being trained by The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels and teaming up with Y2J Chris Jericho in the ring. You’ll be missed Lance

Howard Dow (American Television News Correspondent) - I’m going to be honest I have no idea who this is. Never heard of him or seen him on tv but a lot of people were sad and shocked when he died so I guess I’m sad too or whatever.

Frank Ryan (Plastic Surgeon) - This is the guy who did Holly Montag’s tits. Obviously sad that he died relatively young but what went on with that whole operation? Did Holly just tell him to keep going and as long as those checks cashed he didnt give a fuck? She looks like Barbie after a 3 month meth binge.

Ted Stevens (US Senator) - I’m pretty sure he committed a bunch of crimes, and I’m pretty sure you can say that about any politician.

Alright September, lets get this thing fired back up.

Until next month…


Here’s a clue to a longshot prediction that friend of The Hot Glove RV came up with the other night. Now that would be truly sad and shocking.

Jul 20 2010

I Guess God Needed A Fictional Manager From The Best Baseball Movie Of All Time

You May Run Like Hayes But You Hit Like Shit

So maybe James Gammon wasnt exactly an A-list famous person but who gives a fuck, its Lou Brown we’re talking about here. The manager of the 1989 Cleveland Indians, everyones all time favorite fictional baseball team. So rest in peace James Gammon, and thanks for bringing that rag tag group of misfits together as a team.

“All right people, we got 10 minutes ’till game time, let’s all gather ’round. I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportswriters’ time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give ‘em all a nice big shitburger to eat!”

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Jul 13 2010

God Called, He’s Looking For A Rich Tyrannical Baseball Owner

I know the majority of non-yankee baseball fans absolutely hate Steinbrenner for basically buying championships and being the face of the evil empire. But at the end of the day Steinbrenner’s number 1 priority was winning, which in today’s sports world is not always the case.  So as much as I hated the guy I also respected him.

I just hope God has a fresh batch of Calzones ready to go, otherwise he’s going to see a Steinbrenner Tirade that will make his magical dick fall off.

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Do you think God has a dick or is it just a bright light? Like when god unzips his Levi’s do you think its a schlong or just an empty space with the light of a thousand suns? Tough call.

Jul 01 2010

TheHotGlove’s Celebrity Death Watch

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Jesus where does the time go? We are already past the halfway mark of the 2010 and thankfully in the past 2 months we’ve stumbled into a nice little celebrity death race. Some real legit contenders out there, not to mention a slew of honorable mentions. Lets get to June’s entries.

Year To Date Standings

1. Dennis Hopper

2. Gary Coleman

3. Cory Haim

June Notables

Manute Bol (basketball player) - Manute kind of sucked at basketball but you would expect that from a guy who is 70 feet tall. He will be remembered for two things on the court,1) The only player in NBA history to have more career blocks (2,086) than points (1,599) and 2) anytime he attempted a three, which was always high comedy. Off the court Manute was actually a really good and charitable guy, which makes me feel like an asshole in comparison. Then again maybe someday I’ll get a growth spurt, reach 7 feet, play in the NBA, then give ass-loads of money to Sudan. Sounds like I just came up with a pretty solid 5 year plan.

John Wooden (basketball coach) - Huge hit for the basketball world and anyone who enjoys oversized ears. I dont think anyone will argue that he was one of the greatest basketball coaches of all time, and over the past month you have heard countless stories about how he touched thousands of lives. Well he touched my life too, because without John Wooden I would never have realized that if you get old as fuck your ears grow to an enormous size. Thanks John.

Jimmy Dean (musician, sausage king) - Jimmy Dean king of sausages. Not exactly the title I would personally want but it certainly worked out for Jimmy. The coolest part about Jimmy besides the fact that he conned America into eating processed pork ass, is the fact that he is being buried in a giant piano shaped masoleum. Oh and the epitaph he chose, “Jimmy Dean, Here lies one hell of a man”… That’s Badass.

Honorable Mentions

Rue Mclanahan (Actress) - Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you Blanche

Trent Acid (wrestler)

Until Next Month…

Jun 21 2010

RIP Manute Bol

I guess God needed a center, or a guy proficient in the box guitar. Either way Manute will be missed, especially by FOX because they were planning on getting a boxing rematch between he and the Fridge, unless I dreamed that entire first fight, which is very possible.

Fun Manute Fact - The only player in NBA history to have more career blocks (2,086) than points (1,599).

Jun 14 2010

Goodnight Sausage King

The world of disgusting/barely edible foods lost a titan over the weekend. Jimmy Dean passed away at the age of 81. Can’t say I enjoy Jimmy’s product on a daily basis, I’m trying to live past 30, but I do know he helped give us one of the great viral videos of all time. So please, as Jimmy’s last dying wish someone get Randy Taylor a 16 oz roll of sausage.

Everyone knows you can’t feed 3 fat men with a pussy roll of sausage, guy just wants to eat god damnit.

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Jun 01 2010

The Hot Glove’s Celebrity Death Watch

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Well May certainly when out with a bang. Holy shit, talk about some serious buzzer beaters. I was totally cool with Gary Coleman being the headline act for the month and then Bam, Dennis Hopper kicks the bucket and totally upstages the little man, I mean was Gary Coleman in Waterworld? I don’t fucking think so.

2010 is starting to really get hot though, too bad that pussy Bret Michaels missed his chance to get in on a great year. Hey Bret, you missed your shot to be an important death, now you’re playing third fiddle to Arnold and Shooter, so don’t come crying to me when you die in December and are looking for some love.

The Standings…

1. Dennis Hopper (actor) – Hop definitely takes top billing in 2010. Not only was he a great actor, starring in movies for 5 decades, but he also was a world class partier and was married 5 different times.

Although maybe not his most critically acclaimed movie, his role as retired bomb squad sergeant Howard Payne in Speed was his greatest performance ever. That’s just a fact. Sergeant Payne goes down in the history of all time greatest bad guys. He was a true psychotic genius harassing the shit out of innocent people across LA with his badass bombs. If only he hadn’t tipped his hand in calling Annie a Wildcat because of her University of Arizona T-Shirt, ahhh, what could have been.

2. Gary Coleman (actor) – Poor Gary, his final act was overshadowed by Dennis Hopper in a mere 24 hours. Although I guess he was probably used to getting upstaged in his life. He charmed America with his role as Arnold in Diff’rent Strokes, coining the iconic catchphrase “What’choo talkin’ ’bout, Willis”. Unfortunately for GC his later years of being an absolute lunatic are how he is remembered. He was a caricutare of himself on reality tv shows and finished his life as the world’s least intimidating mall cop when he started a second career as a security guard.

I am just mad I never had the chance to steal something from the Orange Julius that he patrolled, I would have smoked him in a foot race, guaranteed.

3. Cory Haim

Honorable Mentions

Ronnie James Dio (Singer, Black Sabbath)- “Dio Has rocked for a long long time, now its time for him to pass the torch”

Jose Lima – (pitcher) – At least we know what time it is in Heaven, Lima Time.

Michael H. Jordan (American business executive)

Until Next Month….

May 03 2010

The Hot Glove’s Celebrity Death Watch

Well April certainly sucked. Not one cool celebrity died. Not a single one. Just a total bust of a month. I mean the closest we got was Bret Michaels almost dying like a week ago. He had one foot out the door and I was getting all pumped about re-working my standings thinking he could possibly jump straight to the 1 spot and then next thing you know he’s fucking planning tour dates. How the fuck do you go from a brain bleeding coma to scheduling summer fest in Milwaukee. Like what the fuck Brett, at least give me some time to grieve over your recovery.

Time to move on to May, April sucked balls anyway. If you missed last month’s Death Watch, click here (April Death Watch) to read it. Here is what our current standings look like.

1. Cory Haim (actor)

2. Boner Stabone (actor)

3. Bingo Gazingo (poet)

Honorable Mentions for the month of April

Mr. Hito (Japanese Professional Wrestler) – Any time a wrestler passes it is a sad day for The Hot Glove.

Neva Morris (Oldest Person in US, 114) – This is that crazy old woman that I talked about when she died, article, chick just wouldn’t stop singing that annoying song.

Peter Cheeseman (British Theater Director) – Awesome name

Until next month….

Apr 01 2010

The Hot Glove’s Celebrity Death Watch

With March in the books The Hot Glove will take its monthly look back at 2010’s celebrity deaths thus far, ranking the top 3 in order of importance.  So without further ado…

1. Corey Haim (actor) – The good ones do die young don’t though. One of the greatest child actors this world has ever seen Corey was never able to get out of his own way. Drugs, Booze, and Addiction defined Corey in his later years but it was his virtuoso performances and unintentional comedy that will be how we remember Corey. I mean look at that picture, it just defines cool. I bet God is having a kickass time up in heaven, pill poppin and going crazy with Corey right this second.

2. Boner Stabone (actor) – Show me a kid who didn’t watch Growing Pains and I’ll show you a loser that is no friend of the Big Cat. Boner not only had one of the greatest nicknames ever, he was also the definition of a true friend to Mike Seaver. Boner taught us how to drink directly out of the carton and that making fun of Carol was acceptable. He also made the ultimate sacrifice to his country in season 5 of Growing Pains when he joined the US Marines.  The world will miss Boner, that is for sure.

3. Bingo Gazino (poet) – I know what you’re thinking, who the hell is Bingo Gazingo? Well my friends he might be the greatest spoken word poet to die this year. Old Bingo was taken from us too soon at the young age of 86. Struck by a cab on the way to a New Years Eve performance Bingo set the tone for celebrity deaths in 2010 dying just after the clock hit 0.  Bingo, if you can hear me, we miss you bro.

Honorable Mentions

Zbigniew Gut (Polish Footballer) – Awesome Name

Cliff Livingston (NYG Football Player) – Sounds like my future butler’s name

JD Salinger (Author) – I heard this guy was a big deal but to tell you the truth I don’t even know how to read.

Until May….

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