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So.  Ryan Braun got busted for PED’s.  Or steroids.  Or maybe he just has herpes.  All of this begs this question: If you were in Braun’s shoes, would you rather have everyone think you have herpes, or everyone think that you were cheating and juicing?  I only know of one way to answer this timeless moral dilemma… PROS AND CONS.

STEROIDS

PROS

• Well, you don’t have herpes
• You’ll probably still get to keep your MVP trophy
• I imagine being suspended in sports is the same thing as being suspended in school.  Translation: Lots of video games.

CONS

• You’re labeled a cheater
• If your name ever comes up for Hall of Fame voting, this will not help your case
• You might have little balls
• You might have fucked up sperm.  I think that’s a steroids side-effect.
• I’m pretty sure steroid abuse leads to your body just falling apart like Mr. Jefferson in that South Park episode

HERPES

PROS

• You didn’t cheat
• Your baseball career should recover nicely
• Herpes won’t kill you
• There are oodles, OODLES of herpes-ridden chicks in Milwaukee that would love to swap sores with you
• Fuck, most girls in Milwaukee would probably bang you anyway

CONS

• I assume that your teammates will be RELENTLESS with the herpes jokes
• A girl will 100% sue you for giving her herpes at some point
• When everyone’s laughing at the ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas… except herpes’ joke from The Hangover, you have to lie through your teeth and say, ‘I really don’t think it was that funny.’
• Run out to left field at Wrigley, be serenaded with HERRRRRRRRRRRR-PPEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS cheers.
• Well, I mean, the whole fucking world knows you’ve got the herp.

Hmm… pretty tough call.  But I’m going with HERPES.  Andddd that’s the last time I will ever type that sentence.  Hopefully.

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I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that by virtue of reading this site, you like to get weird.  Not weird like collecting the dirty kleenex your sexy coworker throws away, but weird like scissoring with a bro in a limo or taking a bath with a couple buddies, a bath  that may or may not have ended when the water became polluted with vomit.  And who better to get weird with than the homeboys with whom you probably watched your first porn and maybe even had sex for the first time in the same room at roughly the same time as (don’t judge me, I am the one giving advice here).  Without further procrastination, I give you Biffy’s Guide to Getting Weird while Going Home for the Holidays.

Going home for the holidays puts me in a true Jekyl and Hyde predicament.  On the one hand, I like to spend some quality time with the family that will inevitably lead to me throwing a temper tantrum and storming upstairs when my youngest sister beats me yet again in checkers, but on the other hand I like to kick it w/ the boys in the hood, which will invariably lead to me doorbell ditching strangers solo at 3:30 in the morning , and then giggling like a schoolgirl as I jog (soft J) 16 blocks home with no shirt on.   Thus there are 2 Biffy’s constantly at tension with one another.  As such, I have developed 5 rules that will help ease that tension and ensure that you a happy and healthy (ok probably not healthy) holiday vacation back in your hometown….

Continue reading “Biffy’s Guide to Getting Weird while Going Home for the Holidays” »

(Source) A 12-year-old upstate New York boy may be wishing that his dog ate his homework.

Police in the village of Liberty tell the Times Herald-Record of Middletown  that officers used math homework to track down a boy suspected of breaking into an auction house Saturday night.

The owner said he arrived Sunday morning and discovered that a window had been removed and jewelry, cellphones, video games and other items had been stolen from his business.

Police say homework with the suspect’s name on it was found in the woods behind the auction house.

The youth has been charged with burglary. His case is being handled in Sullivan County Family Court.

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I can’t even remember if I did homework when I was 12 years old. What’s that like 5th/6th grade? I’m pretty sure I just did the whole do your homework in 10 minutes before class thing. But one thing is for and that is if I was going to pull off a major heist the last thing I would do is bring my homework with me. Because everyone knows what you get when you fuck a stranger in the asshole, and it’s not pretty.

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Stay calm Big Cat, stay calm. Some day when you grow up you’ll get to have a waving Bear just like everyone else. Patience is a virtue.

(Source) Nothing says Christmas quite like a stuffed leopard murdering a fear-stricken antelope. Err… wait, how did we miss that part of the Bible?

Mayor Jorge Santini of San Juan landed himself a spot in the famed Awkward Family Photo blog with his 2011 Christmas picture which depicts his family huddling around a taxidermied killing scene. As a leopard sinks its teeth into a poor creature’s throat, a little girl strikes a very sassy pose.

The caption under the astoundingly strange photo is equally as puzzling:

“That you may illuminate your dream this Christmas,” it reads in Spanish. We’re not quite sure what the Mayor’s dream is, but the hunt scene was chosen to embody the mayor’s holiday spirits over a few other creepy options — including an unconvincing penguin figure staring into a young man’s ear in an frosty wonderland and a giant bird swooping over the Mayor’s head as a black bear poses nearby.

While some political rivals have interpreted the picture as Santini’s understated warning for opponents in the upcoming election, the Mayor insists that he was promoting the San Juan Wildlife Museum.

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Wait, some political rivals think this may have been an understated warning for opponents? Huh? This wasn’t understated at all. This is as blatant as it gets. You fuck with Jorge Santini and he will buy a lion and have it maul your face. Or if you cross him, he’s going to get some weird non-blinking penguin to stalk your life. That’s exactly what this says. You’d have to be a fool not to get that.

PS
If Chuck Testa decided to ever open up a photography studio this is exactly what I would expect it to look like.

h/t jr

Sometimes its just that easy. Seattle -9.5 for a billion.

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Ah fuck it, its the weekend, I will subject myself to the pain that is Old Milwaukee.

Whoa, what a gentlemen.
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If you ever needed proof that Hollywood writers are completely out of fresh ideas, here it is. They’re remaking ‘American Psycho,’ you know, the movie that was released in 2000. (Film School Rejects)
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For Aaron Rodgers, 2011 has been full of wins, touchdown passes aaaand photobombs. (Aaron Rodgers Photobombs)
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There are plans in South Korea to build a luxurious building that resembles the attacks on 9/11. May I be the first to say, “FUCK YOU, South Korea.” (Weekly Standard)
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Castrating lambs with your teeth can make you sick. Just because Anonymous does it, doesn’t mean you should too. (My Fox DC)
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A Dutch woman was involved in bicycle crash while training for the London Paralympic games. She’s now out of the hospital and hopes to compete as a cyclist during the Olympic games instead. Hold up, something is backwards here. (NBC Sports)
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Only pussies kill themselves with guns or pills. Real men kill themselves by piranha. (The Sun)
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Let’s keep the photobomb fun going because it’s Friday, you ain’t got no job, and you ain’t got shit to do. I’ma get you high today. (The Chive)
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