…..

So much for a defensive struggle.  With temperatures in the 20s, occasional snow flurries and swirling winds, two of the best defensive teams in football channeled their inner Arena Football-selves as the Bears defeated the Jets 38-34 in a good old fashion shootout.  The stats tell the story: 715 total yards, 40 first downs, 5.8 yards per play.  Not what anyone expected from two of the top eight defenses in the league.  In the end it was a huge third quarter from Bears quarterback Jay Cutler that proved to be the difference as Chicago moved within one win (or one Philadelphia loss) from the #2 seed in the NFC Playoffs.  Next week’s game at Green Bay is going to be crazy but this Sunday’s affair was everything it was billed up to be and more, truly a fun game to watch no matter which team you rooted for.

• As I said, Chicago walked away winners because their franchise quarterback had his best quarter as a Bear following a disappointing first half.  Jay finished the first half with a QB rating of 43.2 and his pick-six in the second quarter turned an early Bears lead into a 14-10 deficit.  Well, whatever he did at halftime worked.  Jay came out absolutely on-fire, completing six of seven passes for 117 yards and three touchdowns in the third quarter.  This is the first time I can remember Cutler bouncing back from a poor start to turn in a great effort.  That’s been one of my biggest criticisms of Jay - finally we are starting to see some long-awaited progress from the Chicago quarterback.
• The halftime adjustments didn’t stop with the offense.  Rod Marinelli took a defense that was getting shredded and made corrections that resulted in them getting less-shredded.  It still wasn’t pretty but anything was better than the 24-point second quarter the Jets hung on Brian Urlacher and Co..  The Jets were able to run the ball throughout the game but that didn’t matter much because of the break-neck pace the game was being played at.  New York had to make plays down-field to keep up and they weren’t able to against the Bears secondary.
• Please re-read #8 on this week’s preview.  I’ve been wrong on a lot this season but did I nail that “we won’t kick to Devin Hester”/”fuck it, let’s kick to Hester” point or what?  Devin had exactly zero return yards in the first half so naturally the Jets decided the best return man in the history of the NFL couldn’t hurt them.  So they boomed a punt down the middle of the field in the third and BAM, 32-yard return.  Then they kicked off to him and BAM, 40-yard return.  Both of those returns set-up Chicago touchdowns.  These coaches really just cannot help themselves.

Continue reading “There Was A Fire Fight! Bears 38, Jets 34” »

Nashville, Indiana (The Weekly Vice) - Kyllie R. Smith, a 40-year-old Nashville man was jailed Sunday after he allegedly assaulted his wife with a Christmas tree.

According to police, Smith’s children called police to report that their father had picked up a Christmas tree and swung it at his mother, hitting her in the head. He then threw the tree, hitting her on her back.

Investigators say Smith’s wife was taken to Bloomington Hospital for evaluation. Her condition has not been reported.

Smith was booked into jail and charged with domestic battery in the presence of a child under 16, a Class D felony.

Typical fucking Colts fan. Not bad enough that this guy has to raise his hand to a woman which is disgusting in its own right but he also has to ruin christmas too. And People always wonder why Colts fans get such a bad rap. Its because if they aren’t dressing up like lunatics and fawning over a 1 time super bowl champion they’re hitting their wives with a christmas trees and ruining christmas. There is nothing else. Its those two things or sleeping.

(Full Story at Deadspin) There’s a celebrity in the foot-fetish world who posts videos with titles like “Hot Mature Sexy Feet.” The videos feature a woman who looks like Jets coach Rex Ryan’s wife, Michelle — and, in one, a man offscreen who sounds like Rex.

And this is exactly why I love the Internet. Yesterday I said that the lady who eats toilet paper on the reg was the creepiest thing ever. Well not so fast Big Cat. Because little did we know Rex Ryan is out there making Foot Fetish movies like he is the James Cameron of the Foot Porno game.

And you know what. I’m secretly kind of jealous of Rex Ryan. Not that he gets rock hard from rubbing his wife’s feet, thats fucking gross. No, I’m jealous that Rex Ryan does whatever the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants. Like you always here people saying they don’t care what other people think, but at the end of the day you know its complete bullshit. Well not Rex. Rex actually doesn’t give a fuck. Be morbidly obese, who cares? Swear like a sailor, who cares? Be a cocky asshole, who cares? Make foot pornos with my wife and put them on youtube, who cares?

So really when you think about it everyone kind of wishes they were Rex Ryan. Just a fat bumbling idiot walking through life not giving a fuck what anyone else in the world thinks. Bravo Rex, Bravo.

PS

How pissed do you think this lady is? If you don’t think there is an intense rivalry in the foot porno vs hand porno game you are out of your skull. Its like Duke vs UNC but with far less perverts.

Its the most annoying 2 weeks of the season. Fantasy Football Playoffs. It honestly doesn’t get any worse. Everyone wants to tell you about their matchup, wants advice on who they should start, tells you how they got screwed and how they should of won*. Newsflash dickfuck, no one cares about your fantasy team. Keep that shit to yourself. Or better yet, do what I do, and handle that shit on the field. Get your team properly motivated for their game, watch film on your opponent, get everyone focused. You think my players have motivation problems? Fuck no. Because I’m the best fantasy coach in the world.

*And No, I’m not bitter about this team missing the playoffs, I actually loved this team. They were so bad they ended up being good. Which makes no sense, kind of like drafting 3 Buffalo Bills.

Picks…

Detroit @ Tampa Bay -5.5 - Drew Stanton, you magnificent quarterback you. Leading your Lions to a whole SEVEN points. Is it too late to get Drew on the Pro Bowl Ballot?

Buffalo +5.5 @ Miami - At what point do you think I need to stop getting ice coffee? Or have I already reached the point of no return? Every time I go to get coffee they look at me like I have a gigantic dick hanging from my forehead. I get it, its cold as balls outside, but who cares, I like iced coffee. So, fuck you starbucks, don’t judge me. I’ll order ice coffees when its -10 degrees because I’m a man and I get to do what I want.

Jacksonville +4.5 @ Indianapolis - I’m so torn. Half of me wants the Colts to miss the playoffs because that would be awesome but the other half thinks no Colts in the playoff means no ill-timed  Peyton Manning interception. You see my dilemma here? It just wouldn’t be January if Peyton wasn’t throwing back breaking picks.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Week 15 Picks” »

Was that the best Garbage time cover of all time last night? Had to be. There was no reason for that touchdown, none. But thats what happens when everyone and the pope bets on one side, they lose. And I’m not saying the NFL is fixed because I would never in a million years criticize my BEST FRIEND. But if you were to make the argument that the fix was on, last night is a pretty good place to start. The Colts one, they deserved to win, and Vegas won because the Titans covered with o seconds left. Oh and I won too because like I said yesterday I have an awesome genetic makeup.

Picks…

Cincinnati +8.5 @ Pittsburgh - Like I said on Sunday night, Big Ben breaking his nose doesn’t really matter. Its not like Brad Pitt just broke his nose. Big Ben is ugly as fuck. Who knows, that nose break might even help him out, maybe he’ll get a girl without physical coercion. *fingers crossed*

Sidenote - THG friend RV passed along this quote from Big Ben’s Doctor.

“Ben’s Nose looked like corn flakes”

I have no fucking clue how a nose could look like a breakfast cereal but I like it anyway. Fucking Corn flakes face, all he does is assault chicks.

Atlanta @ Carolina +7.5 - Ok I think I realized why the Falcons are playing well. I keep hating on Matt Ryan and my hate fuels his quarterbacking skills. That has to be it. So lets go the other way. 3 Facts about Matt Ryan

Fact 1 - The mysterious “computer” that does the BCS rankings is actually Matt Ryan

Fact 2 - Matt Ryan once gave a hand job to an electric eel.

Fact 3 - Matt Ryan flies in a private jet made entirely out of human skulls.

That should do it, now can the Panthers please cover a spread? I just can’t quit John Fox and his carousel of terrible quarterbacks.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Weekly Picks - Week 14” »

Why am I the only one panicking about the season almost being over? Does no one else care? People do realize that we are one short month away from the end of the regular season and another short month away from NO FOOTBALL. Then I’ll have to do real person things like laundry, and errands and brushing my teeth. Fuck that noise. If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we have football all year? Someone get Stephen Hawkings on the phone, that nerd bag can figure anything out.

PS

I think I’ve finally met my Microsoft Paint match - the football helmet. Holy fuck does that thing look like shit. Did anyone even know that was supposed to be a football helmet on Hawking’s face? Oh well, guess I can’t be amazing at everything, just most things.

Picks….

Chicago @ Detroit +4.5 - Uh oh is that Drew Stanton’s music? Why yes, yes it is.

Sidenote - Do the Lions exclusively take Michigan and MSU players as their backups? Little did you know Drew Stanton’s backup is John Navarre and John Navarre’s backup is Jeff Smoker.

Buffalo +6 @ Minnesota - Hey Vikings fans you cant complain this week because the team you’re playing is actually more pathetic than your franchise. Shocking right? But anytime you can get two teams that are a combined 0-8 in Super Bowls you can’t help but tune in.

Denver @ Kansas City -9 - The Finger Point Round 2! I can’t fucking wait.

Sidenote - Pat Bowlen, broncos owner said this this week “”I’m not interested in making a coaching change”, translation - I’m stilling paying that bronze son of a bitch shanahan and theres no way in hell I’m paying that dickbag McDaniels to sit on his couch and eat potato chips. Good times in Denver.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Week 13 NFL Picks” »

First…

It’s official, the Bears are not who we (I?) thought they were.  At 8-3, and fresh off a win over a very good Philadelphia team, the Bears have firmly established themselves as (a) one of NFL’s most surprising teams and (b) a contender in the NFC.  The biggest thing Chicago lacked was an impressive win despite the great record.  Sunday’s performance was a statement to the rest of the league and will prevent the Bears from sneaking up on anyone the rest of the way.  One has to think that if the Bears win two more games, they’ll be in the playoffs - win number one has to be this Sunday against Detroit.

The Lions almost beat Chicago in Week 1 but a silly fucking rule disallowed the game-winning touchdown with just over a minute to go.  I hear all you Bears haters now: “The Lions beat you”.  Well, no, they didn’t.  The rule is shitty but it’s a rule and the right call was made, according to a lot of people who know way more about this stuff than I do.  Detroit’s season since that game has been really interesting.  They’re good enough to play everyone but the top-5 teams close but they’re bad enough to lose every game.  This is a rebuilding team, as it has been for the last 15 years, but this is the first time you can honestly say there is a plan in place and it looks to be working.  Here’s my take on Sunday’s matchup:

Continue reading “Is There Room On That Bandwagon For One More: Bears-Lions Preview & More” »

You’re probably asking yourself right now “who the fuck is that nerd?” Well friends, thats Rusty Smith, NFL quarterback for the Tennessee Titans. And why does Rusty Smith matter when we’re talking about a game between the Texans and the Eagles? Because the Texans shut out Rusty Smith last week and all of a sudden everyone thinks they can play football. And in the words of The Wolf from Pulp Fiction, Lets not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.

Texans @ Eagles -8

Quick Picks today so everyone can keep track of my money making record.

PS

If I just don’t show up to work tomorrow how many days before I get fired?

Jax @ NY Giants -7

Tennessee +6.5 @ Houston

Green Bay @ Atlanta -2

Minnesota @ Washington -1

Carolina @ Cleveland -9.5

Pittsburgh @ Buffalo +6.5

Kansas City @ Seattle +2

Miami @ Oakland -3

St Louis +4 @ Denver

Philadelphia @ Chicag0 +3.5

Tampa Bay +7.5 @ Baltimore

San Diego @ Indianapolis -3

This week - 2-1

Season - 73-85-7

Total of the Day Carolina @ Cleveland Under 37.5

Rex Ryan abruptly excused himself from his news conference Wednesday afternoon after going through the injury report. He didn’t have a nature’s calling sense of urgency look on his face, so it was clear he had some pre-planned trickery up his sleeve.

He walked back through the door a couple of minutes later wearing a rather loosely fitting brown T-shirt - size 5 XL - with a Cleveland Browns logo pasted on, a huge pillow stuffed under his shirt and, just to make sure we all knew he was making fun of his twin brother Rob, had a blond wig with flowing curls coming down from under a Browns cap. He obviously couldn’t find a grey wig.

I’m pretty sure Rex Ryan doesn’t have to stuff a pillow under his shirt to play a fat guy. Who the fuck is he kidding right now? I knew the guy was delusional thinking the Jets are the best team in the NFL but holy hell. Does he think he has a six pack too? Newsflash bro, you’re not exactly in peak physical shape.

Must be all those super bowl rings going to his brain….wait.

PS

Theres only one guy that can accurately portray Rob Ryan….

Rob Ryan

Gandalf

Separated at birth.