At first I thought this Rooster kind of sucked, like who wears a top hat these days? Losers and hipsters thats who. But then I saw that price tag. 1,000 dollars. Kind of makes you feel like the rooster is more important than this guy is letting on. You wouldn’t charge $1,000 for just any old rooster. Makes me think I really do need this rooster. I mean if I don’t buy it someone else will, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t let someone else own a thousand dollar metal rooster when I don’t have one. Just doesn’t seem right.

…

(Craigslist) About the apartment: all utilities are included in the rent, which is one of the reasons this apartment is such a great find. There is a bathroom in each bedroom.

About you : we are looking for someone to live with who is quiet and respectful, but someone who has a pulse. Bonus if you’re into twilight

About us : we’re a laid back couple. We don’t ask much of any roommate that lives here. Just that you’re respectful.

The first picture is one of the bathrooms - they both look pretty similar

The second picture is one of the bedrooms - You will sleep in that bed and the furniture will not be switched out

The third picture is of the two of us

The fourth picture is of our cat in his bed. That is where he sleeps

We are sort of nocturnal couple, and we like to be up and about during the night, and we sleep during the day.

If you’re cool and we get along, we might want you to hang out with us at night

….

At first I was a little skeptical about this ad. You know the whole sleeping in a giant swan bed, wearing leather clothes, and acting like a psycopath thing kind of threw me off. Until of course I got to the last line.

If you’re cool and we get along, we might want you to hang out with us at night

Well shit. If you put it that way how I could I possibly say no. Listen, you know how people say live with no regrets. Well for the most part that is a giant crock of shit. Everyone regrets something otherwise their life would be perfect in which case they can go fuck themselves. Instead the saying should be limit your regrets. And if I’m limiting my regrets then I really have no choice but to move in with a couple of twilight obsessed fake vampires who make their cat sleep in a coffin. Maybe they’ll suck my blood and eat my organs while I’m sleeping. Or maybe they’ll deem me cool enough to hang out with them late at night.  If its the former that would kind of suck. But if its the latter then its basically like I’ve hit the lottery.

Just an obliteration of this poor girl’s inbox. I can’t even imagine. I’m talking everyone and anyone coming out of the woodwork. Pedos, kleptos, furries, S&Mers, those guys that dress up as babies, people into golden showers, Tiger Woods, asphyxiation fetishs, literally every single guy behind a computer screen in a 500 mile radius emailed this girl. Hey, you play with fire, you’re bound to get burned.

I don’t get what the big deal is here. Its just a 33 year old guy looking for some college girls to be friends with. Nothing more, nothing less. Completely reasonable request to make over the Internet. People need to stop being so judgemental and start being more trusting. If its craigslist, you know its safe.

Craigslist - I gots some child cats in my back yard.

I dont know what kind they are but I know that the momma cat left them there so she must not love thems. They real cute. I see a dude cat walking around my street and i think hes the father. He probably dont even know he got child cats in my backyard or he would come take care thems before they get eaten or something crazy.

There are a total of 5 child cats back there. I know three of them are child dude cats because they got cat balls. Thats how you know the diffrents between dude cats and female cats. Dude cats got cat balls. No cat balls, well thats a female cat or a underdeveloped child cat.

emale Rae for more informations

* Location: Oak Cliff
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

….

You know the old saying, if a deal sounds too good to be true its probably a scam. Well that’s the vibe I’m getting from Rae here. Like how do I actually know that he has 5 free child cats and that 3 of them are dude cats and 2 of them are female child cats or at the very least child dude cats with underdeveloped balls? That can’t be confirmed can it?

And don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning Rae’s knowledge of dude cats, clearly he has read at least a few veterinarian books in his day, but like I said, no one just gives free dude cats away these days. That doesn’t just happen. So theres definitely a catch somewhere in here. Soon as I figure it out, I’m going to email Rae and ask about these child dude cats and maybe even get a little more information about that neighborhood dude cat that may or may not be the father. Somethings up with that dude cat and I’d like to get to the bottom of it.

Completely normal. Take a couple pictures, get paid 80 bucks, run the risk of ending up in a dried up well rubbing lotion on your skin in preparation of skin-suit time. Like I said, completely normal.

PS

I like how this guy put it under “salon/spa/fitness jobs”. Shooting a little high there bud? Pretty sure if you’re asking some random girl to meet you in a Nebraska cornfield to take some “pictures” you aren’t allowed to be real choosy on her appearance.

You know at first I was skeptical about this guy. No way can he actually shrink heads for a living. That’s too awesome to be even remotely possible. But then I noticed the Location - Everywhere.

Theres just something I trust about a guy who can shrink heads with no qualms on location. I mean if you’re going to shrink heads you might as well be able to shrink heads everywhere right?

And people don’t think sexism goes both ways. Bullshit. Why can’t I sit in a tub full of noodles in my one piece? That doesn’t seem fair. What did Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla fight for during the male suffrage movement of 2001? Was that all for not? I will not rest until this offer is extended equally to both men and women. That’s a guarantee.

PS

There is no fucking way I wouldn’t sneak in a little marinara or at least some alfredo sauce. Unsauced Pasta is for pedophiles and murderers, no thanks.

Thanks to meatman for the tip

Dear Calvin,

I saw your posting on Craigslist and am interested in helping you out. I understand your problems with transportation and the need to sometimes get from point A to point B without walking. That’s pretty tough to do.

Although I have a slight back problem I can promise you that all my piggy back rides can be categorized as gangsta ass. So I would be happy to assist in anyway needed.

If you require recommendations I would be happy to provide them. I know that they can all vouch for me and assure you that I have never been involved in any pussy ass shit.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Big Cat

PS

If my work for you is exclusive to Detroit, MI then please disregard my application. I don’t “do” Michigan. I value my life too much to visit that state.

I’m sure you understand, you live there and probably want to leave everyday of your life.

You know I was on the fence about this one because Ikea furniture is no joke, theres like a million different pieces and a thousand directions involved. But if theres one thing I have a weakness for its drinking Iced Tea made by masturbating mildly attractive middle age women. It’s my kryptonite.