(Reuters) - Cricket star Graeme Swann told a police officer who stopped him for drunk driving that he had had to go out to buy screwdrivers to rescue his trapped cat, a court heard Monday.

The 31-year-old spinner had been out with friends when he returned to his Nottinghamshire home and discovered his pet trapped under the floorboards, he told police.

He said he then got in his white Porsche Cayenne and was driving to a supermarket in the early hours of April 2 when he was pulled over, Nottingham Magistrates’ Court heard, the Press Association reported.

Police constable Steven Denniss said he decided to pull Swann over initially because he was driving a high-performance car in an area where there had been a spate of burglaries.

“Mr. Swann stated he had been out that evening and had come back to find his cat trapped under the floorboards in his house. He had gone to Asda to fetch some screwdrivers to remove some floorboards,” Denniss told the court.

“His speech was slightly slurred but he was compliant. He was slightly upset due to the fact of his cat and what had just happened.”

The officer said Swann, third in the International Cricket Council’s world bowling rankings, then admitted he “shouldn’t have probably been driving.” A blood test found he had 83 mg of alcohol per 100 ml of blood. The legal limit is 80 mg.

Swann denies one charge of drink driving and the trial continues.

Fucking cats man. Always causing trouble. If you don’t think this cat planned this whole thing out then you’re dead wrong. That little pussy waited for Graeme Swann to go out and have a few pops with the lads before he got trapped under the floor board. Probably got itself into a real tight situation meowing like crazy knowing Graeme Swann is the right type of idiot that would believe a trapped cat and get in a car to try and save its ass. Then when Graeme did leave the house the cat picked up the phone and called the constable’s direct line telling him to be on the lookout for that Porsche Cayenne. It was a total inside job from the word go, I just know it.

That’s the crazy thing about cats, one minute they’re all cute and cuddly and the next they’re framing you for Driving Under the Influence. It can happen that fast.

PS

Cricket is definitely one of those sports I could be an all-star pro at if I wanted to be. Its like being president or being an astronaut, just seems like one of those things I would dominate with ease.

Way to look like a complete asshole. You think you’re better than us because you can hear twice as well? No way cat, that’s not how it works on The Hot Glove, we don’t negotiate with mutant cats.

In all seriousness though cat, clean it up, because right now you just look gross.

Buffalo, New York (The Weekly Vice) - Gary Korkuc, a 51-year-old New York man was jailed Sunday after police discovered he allegedly marinated a cat he was preparing to eat.

According to Buffalo Police and SPCA officials, an officer pulled Korkuc over after he allegedly ran a stop sign.

The officer was processing the traffic stop when he reportedly heard a cat’s meow from the rear of the vehicle.

When the officer decided to take a closer look inside Korkuc’s trunk, he was greeted with the bizarre sight of a cat marinating in oil, crushed red pepper, chili powder and salt.

“From what we understand from Buffalo Police, the person who owned this kitty was marinating him in order to cook him,” said SPCA spokesperson, Gina Browning.

Korkuc, has since denied any plans of eating the cat, calling the allegation a mere “assumption.”

He also apparently denies that the cat was marinating, but instead was pregnant and recently miscarried. (we thought this cat was a he, according to SPCA).

SPCA officials reconfirmed Tuesday that the cat is indeed a male that had been neutered.

Korkuc, who reportedly adopted the cat from SPCA in May, apparently decided to get rid of the cat because it had created a mess in his apartment, according to a neighbor.

Korbuc was booked into jail on one count of aggravated cruelty to animals.

Sorry but I’m with Gary Korkuc here. These cops are just making wild assumptions about cat eating that are frankly a little crazy. First of all Gary doesn’t look like a cat eater to me, he looks like a well adjusted generally cheery guy.

Second of all, the fact that he has a cat covered in the finest cooking spices and oil does not mean he is planning on marinating and cooking that cat. Everyone knows you don’t marinate a cat in a trunk, not the right temperature and you can’t control humidity levels. Nope, the car trunk is for tenderizing your cat, you marinate in the fridge. Are Gary Korkuc and I the only two people who knew this? Have these cops really never marinated a cat before? What a bunch of rookies. Don’t even know how to properly marinate a simple housecat. Next youre going to tell me they don’t know how to tie their own shoes in the morning.

So Someone tell these cops that they should worry about policing and Gary Korkuc will worry about cat marinating. Guy is like the emeril lagassi of cat cooking, let him do his thing.

PS

Maybe I’m the one making assumptions now but I thought cat eating was legal in Buffalo New York. The weather sucks, their football team sucks. Cat eating is basically all that town has. No one actually lives in Buffalo voluntarily, they live in Buffalo because of the lax cat eating laws.

PPS

Before crazy cat people get upset and say this blog post is disgusting just know that I’m completely joking. I don’t marinate cats, I have my personal chef do that shit for me.

Thanks to Rochey for the tip

I’m not a big regular speed cat guy, but a slow motion cat? I think I need to get me one of those. Just watch it cruise around the house in super slow-mo. I could watch that shit all day long. Only thing that sucks about having a super slow-mo cat is that it will probably steal my breath while I’m sleeping and I’ll die so I won’t get to watch my super slow-mo cat anymore.

Oh well, sometimes in life there’s trade offs. If you want to watch a super slow-mo cat you have to be prepared when it murders you in slow motion. Dems da breaks.

Hey cat, is that a seedless watermelon? Seriously bro? Only losers eat seedless melon. That’s some grade school bullshit right there.  I want to think this cat is cute but I can’t, because at the end of the day this cat is just a huge nerd and if theres one thing I hate in life its nerdy cats that eat seedless watermelon on youtube. Fucking Idiot.

Frisky - Is this tattooed cat for real? At first glance, you might think it’s a product of cat Photoshop. But, as it turns out, there is a trend in Russia where people are having their hairless Sphynx cats tattooed

What the fuck Russia? It wasn’t enough to have a donkey go parasailing? Now you have to go get your cats inked up? Thats messed up vlad, messed up.

PS

I know its just a household cat, but that thing could kick my ass. Just look at it, dude is just putting the stare on saying “step to me”. Sorry tat cat, I’m not fucking with you, I love my life too much.

See, now do people understand why Nic Cage is the greatest actor of all time. I mean you don’t hear George Clooney or Tom Hanks partying with their pets. No fucking way, those guys are all such prudes.

But not Nic. Nic thinks outside the box. No one to party with? No problem, just feed your cat some boomers. And that my friends is why he is the best. He is operating at a totally different level than the rest of us. He and louis just tripping balls thinking about being awesome and doing awesome stuff.

I bet getting high with your pets will be the next big thing in about 2-3 years. It will be like the new yugio cards or pokemon with kids, getting fucked up with the family dog. That’s how cutting edge Nic Cage is.

PS

Nic if I find out you were also banging this cat it will really test my loyalty. I’ll still think youre the best, just know that it will cause me to pause for a split second.

PPS

I hope Nic buried louis in his tomb so that he can get high with him for all of eternity.

Come on turtle, play a little hard to get. No one likes that desperate drunk girl looking to make out with anyone and anything. Make that pussy want your little turtle ass. Because frankly this begging and following bullshit is embarassing.

Stick that little turtle ass in the air and give the cat a little slow motion booty shake. Thing will be chasing you all day.

PS

You bet your fucking ass I just blogged about a turtle and a cat hooking up. Only rule at The Hot Glove on Fridays is that there are no rules.