Have the ability to eat coal and poop diamonds or have the ability to eat criminals and poop truth and justice?

This may be extremely selfish but I’m taking the diamonds. Being rich is the coolest thing anyone could ever do, that’s just a fact. And I know helping society and being a good citizen would be cool but last I checked the legal system in America was doing just fine without me pooping out truth and justice. Not to mention truth and justice probably doesn’t come out easily. You’d probably have to eat a lot of bran and eating bran is for suckers.

Pick - Eat coal, shit out diamonds

Be constantly juggling for the rest of your life or have that circus song play repeatedly in your head?

No brainer. First of all, I’m already stuck with that song in my head from listening to it once and I want to kill myself, and second, juggling is one of the coolest things anyone can ever do. Have you ever seen someone not impressed with a juggler? Hell no. People love dexterity. That’s just a fact. Dexterity makes people horny. I see a juggler and the only thing I think is “Wow, that guy is so much cooler than I’ll ever be”. So why wouldn’t you want to do that for the rest of your life? What’s the downside? You won’t be able to eat or wipe your ass? HA, like there won’t be millions of people begging to do both of those things for you.

Pick - Constantly juggling.

PS
This is one of those times that I actually don’t know if I’m joking or not. Like I was sort of being sarcastic about jugglers because they’re usually self righteous pricks but at the same time I also kind of respect the shit out of them.

Would you rather be Lionel Messi’s Foot OR be Jackie Chan’s elbow?

Wait, if you were Jackie Chan’s elbow that means you technically would be friends with Chris Tucker right? Who cares about constantly smashing people in the face, or missing out on scoring cool goals around the world, its chris tucker man. Chris motherfucking Tucker. Don’t ever touch a black man’s radio!!! Dude is hilarious.

Pick - Jackie Chan’s Elbow

Would your rather have an ever-changing tattoo that takes the form of whatever image you will it to be OR be able to psychically see anybody’s internet browser history when looking at them?

Tattoos aren’t really my thing, but ever changing tattoos are DEFINITELY my thing. Think about how easy life would be with an ever changing tattoo. You can seamlessly go in and out of gangs. You can make all your friends laugh at the drop of a hat. Picking up chicks would probably be infinitely easier. Oh you’re into Tracy Chapman? So am I, check out my back Tat with her face. Oh you’re a Martha Stewart fan? Cool, I have her nutmeg pumpkin pie recipe tatted on my dick.

And to tell you the truth, if I could see someone else’s internet history that means someone else can probably see mine. No dice on that one. My internet history is not exactly something I’m proud of if you catch my drift.

Pick - Ever Changing Tat

Hear the Family Matters theme everytime you see a black cop, or hear the Full House theme everytime you see a white widower?

Family Matters theme song is FIRE. Full House is good, don’t get me wrong, but the Family Matters theme song is probably one of my top 10 favorite songs ever. If they had released it as a single completely independent from a television show I still would have jammed it. Had it in my Ipod most played list sitting at numero uno. I could listen to that song all day everyday and never get sick of it. Its better than any beatles or rolling stones or zeppelin or britney song ever. In fact, I love this song so much I once got kicked out of piano bar specifically because they would not play it for me. Song is that good and anyone who disagrees is a moron and knows nothing about music.

Pick - Family Matters

Find an onion ring in your fries or a fry in your onion rings?

I was debating whether or not to do this for a Would you rather because its such a slam dunk on one side. Its not even close. I dare someone to explain how finding a french fry is better than finding that one onion ring. Its not possible. Getting that one onion ring is such an awesome bonus. Not to mention on average there are 12 onion rings in a serving and about 24 fries. Thats a 2-1 fry to onion ring ratio. So finding 1 onion ring would be like finding 2 fries, but that’s not the question, its 1 fry to 1 onion ring, like I said total no-brainer. Lone onion ring all day everyday.

Pick - Find 1 onion ring in your fries.

Kill a man with your bear hands or kill a bear with your man hands?

If you had bear hands would killing a man with them be technically illegal? I feel like it wouldn’t. Its not your fault you have bear hands and theres really no telling what bear hands are capable of. They’re kind of the ultimate wild card. I wonder if any lawyers would have any insight on this. Do they even teach bear hand law in law school?

Anyway, that’s the dealbreaker for me on this one. If I can kill a man with my bear hands, not go to jail, and then still have my bear hands I’d do that in a heartbeat. Bear hands would be bad ass, I don’t think anyone would dispute that.

Pick - Kill a man with bear hands (no jail though)

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