The Hot Glove’s Weekly Big Ten Preview

I'm out there somewhere!

Holy crap.  That had to be the best football game I’ve ever been to.  Possibly the best sporting event.  And I’ve been at a no-hitter.  You just really can’t top the energy that was buzzing in Camp Randall last Saturday.  But I’ll stop gushing now, because you probably don’t wanna hear it.



  • Ohio State?  Vulnerable.
  • Wisconsin? Back in the hunt.  And that O-Line is scary good.
  • Michigan?  Yeah, you’re gonna have to start playing defense if you wanna win some Big 10 games.
  • Indiana?  Might start choosing those non-conf cupcakes a little more carefully… yeesh.
  • MSU?  Can overcome a slow start to win a game they should.
  • Purdue?  Does anyone actually know if they’re good?  Does anyone care?



#13 WISCONSIN @ #15 IOWA, 2:30 ABC

This is most likely the last time we’ll see Wisconsin in this section - at least until their trip to Ann Arbor.  But there’s no doubt that this week’s battle for the Heartland Trophy is going to play a huge role in determining the champion of the Big 10.  Iowa is undefeated in Big 10 play, despite giving up 28 points a week ago while holding on to a win over Michigan.  And even after that, they’re still 6th nationally in points allowed (13.2).  That will definitely be put to the test this week against a Wisconsin offense that hung 31 on the #1 team in the nation (or the artist formerly known as the #1 team in the nation…)  The battle in the trenches should be a ton of fun (get it?  Cuz they’re fat?) as a talented Iowa defensive line will try everything in their power to slow down the Badger offensive linemen - the same guys that created mile-wide holes for Clay and White to run through last week (and never gave up a sack).

When Iowa has the ball, it will be imperative for the Badgers’ DBs to play as well as they did against OSU.  Especially Brinkley and Fenelus on the corners - those two did a fantastic job in coverage, finding the ball, and playing physically.  If Wisconsin can slow Stanzi down, the Badgers should find themselves in another winnable game against the Hawkeyes.  Whether or not they can finish it off remains to be seen.

Also, 2:30 games are awesome for day-drinking purposes.  Hell yes.



As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop.  Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.

The Shawshank Redemption

I’m yet to meet a person who doesn’t enjoy this movie.  NAY - I’m yet to meet a person who doesn’t love this movie.  I’ve done some informal Googling, it turns out only a select few demographics do not enjoy Shawshank:

  1. Communists
  2. People who think Jay Leno is funny
  3. The fat guy who Hadley beats the crap out of

Of those 3, I’d say that fatso is the most understandable.  He gets lit up in the worst kinda way.  I cringe at that scene every time.  But seriously, this is just one of those movies that appeals to all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons.  Tim Robbins is absolutely perfect as the cold, always-has-a-card-up-his-sleeve wrongly-imprisoned lead.  Morgan Freeman is working overtime as the con who can get you whatever you need (Cigarettes, a bag of reefer, a bottle of brandy… wait - are they partying harder in prison that I am in Chicago?  That’s bullshit).  And oh yeah, he solidified his role as the one guy you want to narrate something and have it sound awesome.

Even if you think you know what’s gonna happen when you watch this movie for the first time, there are enough twists to keep in interesting.  And it also happens to be one of the most unbelievably re-watchable movies of all time.  HBO knows this.  There’s a reason it’s always on the loop.  And there are plenty of reasons I never turn it down:

  • Prison is fucking ridiculous.  You ever think about what would go through your head if you got sent to prison?  I get uneasy just thinking about it.  I’m really hoping that someone who did a stretch in the clink (can you tell I’m white?) can comment on what prison is like.  I figure the Big Cat appeals to fugitives, degenerates and violent offenders, so hopefully my wish will come true.
  • Holy gang rape.  I’m just gonna say, Dufresne was wayyy too cool under pressure with the way he talked himself out of blowing Boggs:

Andy Dufresne: But you should know that sudden serious brain injury causes the victim to bite down hard. In fact, I hear the bite reflex is so strong they have to pry the victims jaws open with a crowbar.
Boggs: Where do you get this shit?
Andy Dufresne: I read it. You know how to read, you ignorant fuck?

Boom, roasted.

  • Dufresne turns out to be one hell of a con artist.  Or whatever you wanna call it.  He created a person while in jail, funneled all sorts of illegal money to bank accounts in the made up person’s name, and then after he broke out he just strolled around collecting his monies.  And then he just takes off to Mexico.  That has to be the best escape plan ever.
  • Ultimate happy ending: two best friends, free on the outside, reunited once again.  I remember the first time I saw the movie, I wanted to see more of that embrace.  I wanted to know what they were saying to each other, etc.  Now?  I’m perfectly content leaving that moment to them.
  • Rita Hayworth is hot as hell.  Even for like the 50′s or whenever the hell she was hot.  You ever notice that ‘hot’ chicks back then didn’t really look good?  I don’t get that.  When did they start getting hot?


And now, a moment of silence for Brooks.  BROOKS WAS HERE (I cry every time.  In fact, I usually just skip that damn scene.  Such a shame that he got busy dyin’)


I really do love this movie.




Remember when Penn State was ranked?  That was fun.  And horribly, horribly wrong.  And why do I feel like Minnesota could very easily be in this section every week?  What a HORRIBLE and BORING team.  You know what’s awesome?  Penn State and Minnesota, combined records: 4-9 (0-5).  But hey, one of these garbage teams is going to have their very first Big 10 win this week, and that’s impressive.  They just might be flipping cars over and rioting in the streets in Minnesota out of pure joy.  Losers.



DMX - I Can Feel It

I really do love the fact that the guy singing a song that samples Phil Collins also penned these mighty lyrics:

I got blood on my hands and there’s no remorse
I got blood on my dick cuz I fucked a corpse
I’m a nasty n*gga when u pass me n*gga look me in my eyes
Tell me to my fuckin face that u ready to die

Well.  I can only guess what kind of STD’s you get checked for when you’re out bangin’ corpses.  And I’m pretty sure blood is one of those fluids that transfers stuff like AIDS pretty well.  DMX, my guy, get that shit checked out.  Quit fuckin’ dead skeezies.  Stay with us for a while.

Or at least just wrap it up next time you go fiending at the cemetery.



FRANZIA.  Does this make me a bitch?  I’ll be honest - I’m a sucker for food/drinks in unconventional containers (buckets of food, boots of booze, etc).  And the Franz comes in a bag in a freakin’ box.  Nothing screams out ‘I have a drinking problem’ quite like drinking crappy wine out of a box.  Or the more classy way: straight out the bag.  I could chug Franzia out of the bag for days on end and just feel so good about it.  At least until I sober up and someone shows me a picture of myself making out with a bag of wine.  Then I immediately question the direction I’m heading in life.  Regardless, Franzia is the perfect party drink, basically made to be passed around from friend to friend like you’re on the Michigan State basketball team (too soon?).  Really just the icing on the cake that is a blacked out Saturday.  Slap that bag, yo.




Excessive Drinking: 5.5 out of 10.  I gotta give them credit - I got hammered at the game I attended in Minny.  Just wasted.  So why is this just a 5.5?  Well, first it’s just an arbitrary number that I’m making up.  And second, it still doesn’t compare to the drinking that goes on at the 5 schools ahead of Minnesota.  Pretty much my experience involved sitting in a parking lot by the Metrodome, bouncing form group to group slamming beers.  I don’t recall any hard stuff - but that may be as a result of drinking some liquor and not remembering.  And I don’t mind it being a booze-only pre-game.  But I like to have the hard stuff on hand to speed things up.  Especially when you’re drinking outside in November in Minnesota and it’s 3 degrees outside.  That part sucked.  Minus 1 point for being really cold.  Nice job, Goofers.

Food Availability: 3 out of 10.  Outside the stadium?  I don’t think I had a single thing to eat.  But inside I vaguely remember having some dank-ass turkey sandwich.  Which may sound really messed up to brag about.  But sometimes you just need to skip the greasy deliciousness of fried foods, and whatever sandwich place inside the Metrodome (Blimpy’s?) had that turkey sandwich kept me from dying in the midst of my blackout.  So thanks for that.

Getting To The Stadium: 5 out of 10.  Parking was easy enough (we got there early), and the tailgate in the parking lot was like 3 minutes from the stadium, tops.  But I think we just were lucky enough to be that close to the stadium.  I think it was a slightly more difficult commute if you lived on campus.  I’m also just making this part up.  My gameday consisted of driving up, parking, drinking a lot, going to the game, drinking more, and driving home.  Apparently Zach Brown rushed for over 200 yards that game.  I still don’t believe that.  Don’t remember it, didn’t happen.

Drinking Creativity: 2 out of 10.  Both points are awarded due to the number of kegs that people tapped in the back of pickup trucks.  There’s something deliciously simple and hickish about drinking your beer from the back of a pickup truck.  You could always tell the guy whose truck it was.  He’s always leaning on the back of it with that smug ass look on his face, just waiting for someone to ask about his truck.  What he doesn’t realize is, we’re just here for the beer.  Trucks are fucking lame as hell.  I’d rather drive a Mini Cooper.  So yeah, just beer, the occasional beer bong, and that’s about it.

Visiting Fan Treatment: 7.5 out of 10.  Now, the fact that I was rooting for the opposite side in the oldest rivalry in college football certainly helps.  Do you think Northwestern fans receive the same treatment as a Badger fan in Minnesota?  TRICK QUESTION.  There are no Northwestern fans.

Overall? The fact that there are 6 gamedays ahead of Minnesota’s just goes to show you how much the Big 10 knows about partying.  Gopher games are a lot of fun, and I would love to check out their new stadium and watch Bucky chop those goalposts down again.  And I’m sure the pregaming experience is much different now.  But I bet you they still love drinking out of the back of pickup tricks.  Git er’ done.



Can UW ride the momentum or are they headed to let down city?  Who do we make fun of with Michigan idle this week?  Can MSU take one more step towards crashing the BCS party?  Big weekend in store.  Drink up and have fun.


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