NICEVILLE — A 22-year-old man was arrested Oct. 22 on charges of retail theft.

The man was seen by Tom Thumb clerks walking directly into the store towards the beer coolers, according to a Niceville Police report.

He picked up a twelve pack of Bud Light Lime then fled the store without paying. One of the clerks, according to the report, followed him and caught him down the road.

When he was interviewed by officers, however, he denied being in the store, taking the beer and said he did not know why the clerk was chasing them. He also declined to submitting to a Breath Test.

This is a joke right? There is no way this liquor store is actually pressing charges. They should be thrilled that someone actually went for the Bud Light Lime. Who cares if this kid stole the beer, its not like anyone was ever in a million years going to buy it. Bud Light Lime is easily the most disgusting thing Ive ever drank, and I’ve drank some real nasty shit in my day.

I remember once at my local bar the bartender was like “good news guys we have bud light lime buckets (5 beers) for 5 dollars”. That’s a dollar a beer, can’t get any better than that right? Wrong. I just sat there and was like “I’ll just work on this water over here, I’d rather not drink horse urine mixed with lime juice and a splash of bleach”.

And that was that, it was the only time in my life I chose to not drink at a bar. And if I had to do it all over again I would do the exact same thing. Even I have limits and the line for me is Bud Light Lime.

So let this kid go, he did everyone a favor. It was either this or bringing in the Hazmat suits to take away the leftovers. This kid robbing them was a far better option.

Whatever dude, you can open them but can you drink them? Everyone hates the guy who leaves a bunch of jimmys lying around so you better start drinking. That shit is getting warm as we speak.

Scotland’s BrewDog has created a beer that contains 55% alcohol by volume called The End of History. Oh, and did we mention that it comes in a dead animal?

Mesa, Arizona (The Weekly Vice) Chandra Reed, a 23-year-old Arizona woman was arrested Sunday after she vandalized her boyfriend’s car with a dog lease. When officers went to question her, Chandra greeted them at the door with a surprise.

According to the Mesa Police Department, officers were dispatched on a report of a woman vandalizing her boyfriend’s vehicle with a dog leash.

When officers arrived at the scene, the woman’s distraught boyfriend flagged them down and directed them to his car which had sustained about $1,000 in damage.

The victim waited outside as officers went up to the house to talk to the woman.

Investigators say Reed answered the door naked, while holding a beer. She reportedly appeared high or intoxicated and told officers she had recently gone skinny dipping. Officers asked her to get dressed so they could speak with her outside.

The old vandalize your boyfriend’s car with a dog leash then get naked and pretend you were skinny dipping defense. Chandra honey, do you think these cops were born yesterday? I mean how many times do you think they come to the door of a suspected dog leash vandalizer only to find said person buck naked drinking a beer. Has to be in the thousands. So maybe the first few got off with the skinny dip defense but the cops have caught up to those tricks and that shit doesnt fly anymore. Get a new act, because this shit is so summer of ’04.

PS

How big of a pussy is this boyfriend? Boo hoo, my girlfriend beat my car up, now she is naked and drunk, I’m going to go crying to the cops.

Hey dude, clearly Chandra got over whatever she was mad about, she’s moved on to the naked drinking portion of the day. Now she is just looking to party. So grow up, get naked, and grab a cold one.

YPSILANTI, Mich. (AP) — Authorities said a drunken man and woman were arrested after they were found pushing a baby stroller holding two young boys, open containers of alcohol and a bayonet inside. Police said in a statement that the 30-year-old woman and 52-year-old man were arrested after police were called about 1:30 a.m. Friday when the woman tried to take a bike off a porch.

The statement said security guards had been watching the pair and initially detained the woman. Police said officers found the woman’s one- and four-year-old sons in the stroller along with alcohol and the “double-edged bayonet.”

AnnArbor.com reported the children were turned over to a relative. Charges were pending.

I get the booze, people in the Midwest like to drink at all hours of the day. I get the baby at 1:30 am, pretty sure babies are like dogs and need to be walked at night so they can go to the bathroom. But what the fuck is going on with bayonet? Is it the kid’s toy? Are they civil war artifact collectors? Or is it just because it is Michigan and Michigan is now basically a third world country. That must be it right, like cut a bunch of jobs and people start defending themselves with antiquated weaponry. Makes sense I guess, people are probably walking around in armor mugging each other with spears and shit.

Well Michigan welcome to my fucked up state list, you’re officially in rarified air with Florida and Arizona. Any news story from those states will never shock me, the bar has been set that low.

PS

I love the move of carrying your kids so that your beer can ride in the stroller. Makes a lot of sense, if that beer gets shaken it will explode. Pretty sure you could shake a baby for hours and nothing will happen.

PPS

“52 year old man and 30 year old woman”. nice work bro.

An Atlanta babysitter was jailed after admitting she gave a potentially lethal amount of wine to an infant in her care, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported late Wednesday.

Tammy Denise Truitt, 41, confessed in court to giving the nine-month-old baby boy wine in a sippy cup to make the infant fall asleep.

The baby was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level of .33 — more than four times the legal limit for an adult.

Truitt, who pleaded guilty to aggravated battery, was sentenced on June 2 to eight years in prison and four years of probation.

The incident occurred in July 2009 when Truitt was asked to babysit the child, along with his four siblings, when the baby’s mother left town on a family emergency, the Times-Georgian reported.

The children’s grandmother arrived five hours later to discover the baby in an apparently lifeless state.

This babysitter is all kinds of fucked up. You give a baby red wine and you might get it to sleep but you’re screwed when that baby wakes up. Ever had a real bad red wine hangover, the worst. Head hurts, eyes hurt, throat hurts. Basically every time I get a red wine hangover I act like a complete baby, so I don’t even know how this baby would act.

You want a baby to go to sleep give it a little nip of whiskey or maybe some cognac. Something that will go down smooth but will limit a hangover. Everyone knows that, it’s baby sitting 101. Red wine is for 4 year old’s that can chase that hangover with a little fruit loops and cartoons. Get your head in the game Tammy, it’s simple baby boozing were talking about here.

PS

Hey baby, that apparent “lifeless state” your grandmother found you in, get used to that, it’s called college.

IDAHO — If you ever stop by Harley’s Pub in Idaho City, Idaho be careful about leaving cash on the table.

One of the workers has a real nose for money, but can’t tell a dollar bill from a 20…because he’s a dog.

It’s hard to tell whether Dusty, the Border Collie barkeep, is more excited about the tips or the treat, that come after he delivers each deposit to the bartender.

It’s a process that has kept patrons and pourers happy for 10 years.

It should be noted all that tip-toting isn’t entirely profitable for bar owner Cathy Staneart.

“I go through anywhere from two to two and a half cases of bones a month,” she chuckles.

Dusty actually belongs to the Harley’s former owner Lisa Rappleye, who now agrees to work part time at the bar just so Dusty can have his old job back.

Fuck. I really didn’t want to go to Idaho. Don’t even really consider it a real state, but now I literally have no choice. Just sucks that I have to go to this bar like right now.

I just don’t understand why a state like Idaho isn’t capitalizing on this shit. They need to be running ads 24/7, “Come to Idaho, where we have Dog Bartenders”. State would be full of people in like 2 seconds. So get your shit together Idaho, maybe even elect this dog president of Idaho or whatever your leader is called.

Bottom line is that when you put a dog in a bar, you have my respect. So good work Idaho, you are now officially a real state in my book, welcome to the greatest country in the world.

Well this day officially already sucks and it hasn’t even really started. I’m starting to get sick and tired of getting our asses handed to us by the Japanese in everything. It sucks that theyre awesome at baseball and have cool swords but this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Why couldnt we think of that? You take the best drink, beer, and add the coolest activity in the world, cigarettes, and you have the greatest thing in the world. I mean everyone knows that beer is awesome and people who smoke are cool.

The thing that really kills me is that I love Georgia Black and everytime i drink it I have at least a dozen Marlboro Ice Mints. So why didnt I think of this? Looks like I let everyone down on this one. This should have been on Business Idea Fridays. So my bad guys, I’m going to work harder from here on out. Because make no mistake the Japanese are up on us right now, theyre even using our cowboys to sell their shit, but we’ll be back, guaranteed.

COPENHAGEN (Reuters) – A few hundred warehouse workers and drivers at Danish brewer Carlsberg halted work for a second day on Thursday to protest a company decision to limit beer drinking at work to lunch breaks.
The strike in Denmark followed the company’s April 1 decision to introduce new rules for employees on beer drinking at work, said Jens Bekke, spokesman at the world no.4 brewer.
“There has been free beer, water and soft drinks everywhere,” he said. “Yesterday, beers were removed from all refrigerators. The only place you can get a beer in future is in the canteen, at lunch.”
Bekke said drivers retained an old right to three beers per day outside lunch hours, and warehouse workers claimed the same right.
“Because of that, the warehouse staff went on strike yesterday, with other staff striking in sympathy,” he said.
Bekke said as many as 800 had walked out on Wednesday, with 250 still on strike on Thursday.

Well it looks like I’m working for the wrong company. Free Beer at lunch? Is this still earth because it sounds a lot like heaven to me. And not just free beer, free beer EVERYWHERE. In the kitchen, in the bathroom, at your desk, just beer everywhere you look. So yeah I understand why these guys are striking. Taking away free beer is akin to the death of a child.

These guys are hero’s for striking. Because if this was me and I was drinking free beer everyday at work then all of sudden had no free beer I would faint on the spot. Just drop like a ton of bricks and go lifeless. I just don’t think I  have the resolve to continue living if someone took free beer away from me. It would take an ambulance and at least 2 kegs to get me back to work.

So as an act of solidarity I am going to drink 20 beers tonight just for the workers of Carlsberg. I’m basically a modern day MLK, just fighting the good fight for the persecuted across the globe.

After a hard day’s work on his Crystal Beach beach home, Everett Johnston just wanted a cool beer.

He grabbed a Tecate Light out of his fridge and began to sip. But, Johnston said, something didn’t taste quite right. He said his wife looked in the bottle and noticed a rat’s head floating inside.

Johnston filed a lawsuit recently in Galveston County against FEMSA Cerveza (CCM), the Mexican maker of Tecate, and Heineken, which distributes the beer in the United States, among other defendants. He’s citing the severe psychological damage he says he has sustained.

The 59-year-old retired firefighter said Thursday that all he wants is an acknowledgement of his intense suffering — how in the moments after drinking the beer two years ago he wondered whether he would live or die.

“The first thing came to my mind was it was a rodent that had eaten rat poison,” Johnston said.

He remembered a story about a man who drank something contaminated with rat urine and later died.

“I can’t explain it,” he said. “That kind of fear was something I had never experienced before.”

Wow, Everett Johnson just screwed the pooch on this one. Honestly, how the hell do you fight fires for 30 + years then have a little rats head in a beer be the scariest thing in your life? Dude, you ran into burning houses for a living, there had to be another time that you were scared to death. So stop hamming it up for the papers. You may have been a little shocked but scared to death? Come on, no one is buying that, not even your lawyers.

I would literally kill to have something this cool happen to me. A rat’s head in a beer is not a health concern its a badass beer that you show all your friends. First thing I would do is chug the rest of that beer (probably would give me some kind of extra strength or virility) then I would put another beer in the bottle and save the rat head beer for the entire neighborhood to see. People would be coming from miles to see the Rat Head Beer. Once I got some brand recognition I would start making my own rat head beer and become a millionaire. Big Cat, CEO of Rat Head Brewing Company. Show me a person that wouldnt drink that beer and I’ll show you a fucking liar.

PS

My first thought if I had a rats head in my beer would not be poison, it would be that the mob had a hit out on me. The fact that I was important enough to have a contract on my life would make me ecstatic. It would be instant street cred, which is priceless.