Sep 21 2010

This Is Me Getting Faster, Better, Stronger…

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Ok so I sucked at picking games this weekend. I was the guy in the middle just swinging my arms, dancing like tinkerbell, trying to make something that would remotely pass for a jumping jack. I stunk and everyone knows I stunk. But good for everyone else I’m the guy who’s in the gym 24/7, getting faster, smarter and stronger. So while you sleep, I’m out in my backyard doing Jumping Jacks like a mad man getting ready for the weekend.

Thanks to AS for the tip

Sep 21 2010

God I Hate When This Happens

Nothing worse than getting interrupted by a gun wielding mushroom dealer looking to assassinate your dog. Sucks.

Sep 21 2010

This Elk Is Mad

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What the fuck elk, you scream like a little girl. Have some self respect dude. You’re never going to get your way in the elk world if you keep crying like a baby.

Fucking elks man, think they’re so badass with their big bad horns but theyre all a bunch of pussies on the inside.

Sep 21 2010

Budapest Family Being Watched By Ghosts In Their Bathroom

A family in Budapest is convinced their bathroom has been possessed by the DEVIL the moment the face of SATAN appeared overnight in their bathroom tile!

According to reports, Laszlo Csrefko, 52, says after renovating his bathroom–fitted with new bath, shower and tiles–the room has been overtaken by evil spirits.

The first sign occurred when his wife took a shower on the night the work was completed.

“I was naked coming out of the shower and I could suddenly see his eyes staring into me. I just screamed and ran,” she says.
Laszlo says they see the image of a devil with horns, and it won’t wipe off.

But it’s not just a face that has the family frightened–they say the entire room is haunted.

“The room is always ice cold no matter how high we turn the heating up and we’ve just stopped using it because it’s too spooky,” Laszlo says.

They plan to call in an exorcist.

When I first saw this story I thought to myself  slam dunk, make fun of some weird people afraid of a tile in budapest and call it a day. But then I looked at the picture and realized that this fucking Laszlo Csrefko guy really did install haunted tile in his house. Way to go Laszlo, renovating the house with demons and devils and shit. Last time we let you pick up a hammer.

I t just sucks for this guy’s family, they all think they did the right thing, save a couple of bucks and have dad do the renovations,  only to find out that he installed some devils that are now checking out mom’s bare titties every time she tries to take a bath. And let me tell you one thing, there is nothing worse than a horny devil spirit. Devil spirits can fuck for days. Guys have the libido of Hugh Hefner after a thousand viagras.

So good work Laszlo, now your whole family is going to get fucked by a bunch of evil spirits. Way to go dude.

Sep 21 2010

The Spy’s Fact of The Day

In 1961, Italian artist Piero Manzoni packed his feces in cans, signed and mounted them, and then sold them as art

The Spy’s Take:  That’s Europe doing its Asia impression

Sep 21 2010

I’m Thinking About Finding A Part Time Job On Craigslist

Dear Calvin,

I saw your posting on Craigslist and am interested in helping you out. I understand your problems with transportation and the need to sometimes get from point A to point B without walking. That’s pretty tough to do.

Although I have a slight back problem I can promise you that all my piggy back rides can be categorized as gangsta ass. So I would be happy to assist in anyway needed.

If you require recommendations I would be happy to provide them. I know that they can all vouch for me and assure you that I have never been involved in any pussy ass shit.

Hope to hear from you soon.


Big Cat


If my work for you is exclusive to Detroit, MI then please disregard my application. I don’t “do” Michigan. I value my life too much to visit that state.

I’m sure you understand, you live there and probably want to leave everyday of your life.

Sep 21 2010

Dad Just Rocking Out To Some Justin Bieber

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This is why showbiz is dead. You have dad dancing his dick off in the background and these two girls absolutely butchering the song up front. The talent needs to be front and center, that’s showbiz 101. These two girls are back up singers at best. Just totally unprofessional.


Is that what Justin Bieber sounds like? That song sucked. I could sing that punk Bieber under the table 7 days a week and twice on sunday.

Sep 21 2010

Terrorist Attempts To Blow Up Wrigley Field, Fails Miserably

(Newser) – When he dropped the paint can into a trash can near Wrigley Field on Saturday night, Sami Samir Hassoun allegedly thought he was planting a bomb that would cause massive casualties. In reality he was planting… a paint can. The FBI, which had for months been tracking Hassoun and giving him money to plan attacks, pounced and arrested the 22-year-old, the Chicago Tribune reports. “He was acting alone,” said one FBI agent. “He was not, I would say, highly skilled.”

Hassoun is a Lebanese immigrant, but his motives weren’t religious—they were based on Chicago politics. Hassoun wanted to undermine Richard Daley’s political support, and thought the mayor’s enemies might pay him for the attacks. At first, he planned non-lethal attacks, but as undercover agents pressed him, he warmed to the idea of casualties. “Little by little, I’m building it up,” he told an informant. “I will (expletive) Chicago. I will shake Chicago.”

Hey asshole who’s fucking who now? Seriously, how fucking dumb is this guy. First of all, I don’t know if you know this Sami Samir but Daley is out come early 2011, so nice job trying to undermine his ass. You could have just sat on your couch eating twinkies and watching youporn for the next 6 months and been good with the whole Daley thing.

Then you plan on blowing up Wrigley. Hey fuckface, have you seen the Cubs play this year? They fucking stink. No one is in Wrigleyville during games anymore. Place is like a ghost town. Its a couple of scalpers and Ronnie Woo Woo, that’s it.

Add in the fact that this guy just showed up on Clark and Addison and asked the first person he saw for a nuclear bomb and Sami Samir might be the dumbest terrorist in the world. What the fuck dude? Have some pride in your job. Act like you’ve blown up a building before. Were you purposefully seeking out an FBI agent? Because it sure seems that way. Guy hands you a bag of paint and a cap gun and you think you’re about to make the Chicago shake. Plz.

Oh well, have fun in federal prison Sami Samir, I’m sure the boys down in Marion will appreciate your “I will fuck Chicago” comment.


How embarrassing is it when even the FBI is making fun of your terrorist skills. Like no one in the entire world was scared of this knuckle dragger. Time to find a new job man, because worldwide terrorism just aint your bag.

Sep 21 2010

Some “Sacred” Place In England Is Upset That Nic Cage Used It To Pimp His New Movie

(Newser) – Sorcery and abbeys apparently don’t mix. Managers of Britain’s 7th Century Glastonbury Abbey have apologized to an angry public for letting Nicolas Cage film an interview at the church to promote his movie The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Cage, who owns a home nearby, personally requested the site for an interview on the Jimmy Kimmel Show aired last month, with Kimmel “summoning” the actor by waving a wand. ”I am here in the very magical and sacred Glastonbury Abbey,” said Cage as he hyped the movie in which he plays a master sorcerer.

”I was horrified and disgusted to find that he was let into Glastonbury Abbey in the middle of the night to promote his latest film,” a church member told the Telegraph. “This film is full of sorcery, witchcraft and black magic. It’s offensive to broadcast from a religious place. Glastonbury Abbey first and foremost is a church and a place of worship.” An Abbey spokesman issued an apology to “anyone offended” by the filming, and said the crew took care not to damage anything and helped promote the site to American visitors.

Hey Glastonbury Abbey, grow up dude. Seriously, who do these people think they are? Acting all shocked when they are lucky enough to be around the greatest actor of all time. How is that offensive? Oh so Nic Cage does a couple of awesome magic tricks maybe makes a couple of witches tits fall off. Big deal. Newsflash, Nic Cage just put you’re sorry asses on the map because before this morning I had never heard of Glastonbury Abbery but I sure as fuck had heard of Nicolas Kim Coppola Cage.

I’m all fired up about this. Do people even realize who we are talking about here? This isn’t some no-name actor like Brando or De-Niro, we’re talking Nicolas fucking Cage here. He can go sleep in King Tut’s tomb for all I care. This is Nic Cage’s world and we’re all just lucky to be living in it.

Sep 21 2010

Shocking News, Braylon Edwards Arrested For DUI

NEW YORK — New York Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards was arrested Tuesday on charges of driving while intoxicated after officers pulled him over because his SUV had excessive tinting on its windows, police said.

The 27-year-old Edwards was pulled over on the west side of Manhattan around 5:15 a.m., and officers noticed a strong smell of alcohol, said chief NYPD spokesman Paul Browne.

Edwards was given a breath test at the scene and another at a police station. His blood alcohol level was .16, twice the legal limit, officials said. There were four other people in the SUV at the time.

Oh my god, what a shocker. Seriously, I never would have guessed Braylon Edwards would get in trouble. He is just such a class act, a role model for all the kids.

I kind of understand though. When you have the best hands in the NFL and won the 2009 Super Bowl you  have nothing more to work on. Nowehere to go but down.

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