Sep 08 2010

Your Football Totally Cock Teased Us Picks

What happened to Tuesday and Wednesday night football? You know Buffalo vs  Central Michigan  or UAB vs Tulane. You can’t just give me football and then take it away, that’s just mean.


Astros (Myers) vs Cubs (Wells) -115

White Sox (Danks) -137 vs Tigers (Bonderman)

Sep 08 2010

Obama Answers His Critics

Well that’s one way to answer all those critics saying you’ve lost your sex appeal. Lose your sexiness in the morning, pounce on some boehners in the afternoon. Not my style, but hey, you do you Barry.

Thanks to bird for the tip

Sep 08 2010

Introducing The Laziest Dog In The World

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What does this dog think he’s too good for us? That he doesn’t need to walk? Fucking dog, just grinding that back like it ain’t no thing. Grow up bro, and maybe get a job while you’re at it.

Sep 08 2010

The Spy’s Fact of The Day

In 1999, Lori Lynn Lomeli set a record by spinning 82 hula hoops at the same time for 3 consecutive rotations

The Spy’s Take:  She has since risen to the equivalent of secretary of state in the Philippines…

Sep 08 2010

Gnarly 90’s Lunchables

Kids in America are getting too fat…wahhhhh

I had to buy my 2nd grade son his first bra today…wahhhhhh

My daughter is too tubby to tie her own shoes…wahhhhh

My husband needs enzyte…wahhhh

Who is being blamed for all these problems?

Lunchables. That’s right lunchables. Let me tell you something about those people, they don’t understand how beneficial lunchables actually are. There is actually not one bad thing about lunchables.

Lets break down the numbers, shall we…

So you figure, you have 2 lunchables for breakfast 3 for lunch and 5 for dinner because that’s how food portion ratio by meals should be, 2:3:5 breakfast lunch and dinner. Then you figure that some lunchables have 1,780 milligrams of sodium per package (74%) daily value. That’s 740% daily value of salt, not bad at all. I mean sometimes I get really lazy and figure I don’t want to eat for a week, so I need 700% of a daily values worth of vitamins, minerals, salt, cals and so forth. Lunchables helps solve that problem.

Lunchables comes in the best flavors ever. There are over 34 different varieties of lunchables with great flavors including, deep dish pizza, extra cheesy pizza, chicken dunks, nachos, and my personal fav pizza and treatza. From the lunchables site:

“It’s the treat that all kids love. It comes with a crust made with whole-grain, Kraft Mozzarella and Tombstone pizza sauce. Includes Capri Sun 100% Fruit Juice, mini rainbow chips and chocolate fudge frosting.”

UMM HELLO (Angelina jersey shore enterance) is that not the greatest pizza ever?

I mean tombstone sauce? Like how fucking badass is that shit. What does it even mean? So good you will put a man 6 feet deep just to eat it? So good you die right there because nothing will be better and your life will just be misery after eating it? You turn into a tombstone after eating it? I mean, I like chocolate and I like pizza so why the fuck not combine them. When I was a kid I liked ketchup and I like cereal, so I combined them. I also liked ice cream and bagels. Nothing stopped me from combining those. Can you say next iron chef? Secret ingredient – awesomeness. Oh and for the record I would bring my own mayo infused ritz crackers from home and throw out those ridiculous whole grain earth crunchy dog shit crackers that they came with.

Lastly lunchables comes with great drinks (Capri sun) and awesome candies (air heads, reeses…and so on). I mean let just ground ourselves for a second from this food high we have been on. That is the fucking hands down best way to end a delicious meal. Awesome candy bars and gulp it all down with one of the coolest drinks invented. If I were lunchables though I would start making some geared towards adults more. Something like a full deep fried celeste pizza for one and a box of devil dogs with 3 nips of Johnny walker. Now that’s a fucking meal.

-Fat Bastard

P.S. The UK has only 5 different varieties of lunchables with just variations of ham and cheese or chicken and cheese. No wonder they suck balls.

And I leave you with Less talk more Rockk a cut off of Freezepops album “future future future perfect” .


and this band is from Boston, so they are officially ol’ fat bastards new favorite band, move over floyd and zepplin

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Sep 08 2010

Russian Wedding Photographers Giving The Bride And Groom A Memory They Will Never Forget

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Well this made me feel better. I was really riled up about that Obama sexy shit earlier, thinking that I would have to secede and start my own kickass country. Then the internet, smelling my panic, just totally calms my nerves and gives me a video of two Russian nerds having a slap fight. I don’t know if you can even call this a fight. It was more like spaz sex or something. Just arms and feet flying with nothing connecting, throwing shit with those Russian noodle arms. Just no way Russia can take us with that type of fighting, no way.

Go pick on the Republic of Georgia Putin and let me know when you’re ready to hang with the Big Boys.

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That’s One Shot Russia! That’s One Shot Kid!

Sep 08 2010

Looks Like I Need To Really Step Up My Game

What the fuck is this all about? Snooki reading a book? This has to be some kind of sick joke. Has to be, otherwise I’m in big trouble, because if Snooki is actually reading a book then thats 1 more book than I have read this entire year. That just can’t stand. Cancel all football watching on saturday and sunday, I’m going to read the fuck out of this weekend. Just read until my eyes bleed.


I’ve never felt so bad for a yellow plastic horse in my life. You can practically hear the metal groaning under all that pressure.

Sep 08 2010

Teen Wakeboards Across English Channel, I Am Not Impressed

Edward Bosson, 17, successfully completed the grueling 21 mile trek between England and France on his board on Sunday.

The Radley College student, who is currently studying for his A-levels, achieved the feat from Dover to Cap Gris-Nez in just over two hours.

Despite falling off his craft 14 times, he is set to now enter the Guinness Book of World Records for his achievement.

While others have successfully water skied across the Channel Edward, originally from Beaconsfield, Bucks, said the world record organisation told him no one had achieved it in this form.

If proven, he will officially enter the books under the title “the fastest crossing of the English Channel on a wakeboard”.

The teenager, who wants to study natural sciences at Cambridge, also raised more than £1000 for the Hope and Homes for Children charity.

“Like all teenagers he wanted a challenge and he took it on and we are quite chuffed for him,” Mr Bosson told The Daily Telegraph.

Hold on is Guiness World Records serious with this bullshit. 14 falls? That’s not wakeboarding across the English channel, that’s wake boarding on a Saturday afternoon and accidentally ending up in France. What a crock of shit. This kid basically sucks at wakeboarding. He’s an amateur wakeboarder, but because he was the first to do it he gets the prize. I could do this shit with my eyes closed but I choose not to because I’m not trying to be the best at falling down.

Oh and I love the whole he’s like all teenagers and wanted a challenge. Umm, sorry to break it to you mom but that’s not what teenagers do. Teenagers sleep 16 hours a day, act like assholes and try to get laid. That’s a “challenging” day for a teenager right there, not drinking half the ocean while wiping out on your boogie board.


Why is the English Channel the be all end all for all nautical accomplishments? Who decided that? Why can’t it be the Chicago River? I can guarantee you if this punk kid tried to wakeboard the Chicago River he would probably get eaten by an alligator or stabbed by a syringe. Seems a lot more challenging than some pussy little channel.

Sep 08 2010

Face Vs Watermelon, Watermelon Wins

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Holy shit that was some seriously bad luck. Just obliterated by that watermelon. I don’t think in my wildest dreams that could have worked out better. Watermelon to the skull at 100 mph. Just absolute destruction.

And I love the blond chick telling her to suck it up and finish. The brunette is  sitting there looking for her teeth wondering what day it is and her more attractive and far less concussed teammate is just throwing her back in the gauntlet.

Hey, they don’t call it the amazing race for nothing.

Sep 08 2010

Pic Of The Day

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