Father Sky, Mother Earth, and your dear old Uncle Tony…

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LEGENDS OF THE HBO LOOP

As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop.  Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.

Heavyweights

Disclaimer: I’m a camp guy.  I know, what a loser, right?  But I’m confident in saying that Heavyweights is a movie that transcends the camp genre.  Let’s pause for the Michigan fans to catch their breaths after seeing the words ‘transcends’ and ‘genre’ in the same sentence.

Can we continue now?

So despite being a ‘camp’ movie, Heavyweights appeals to pretty much anyone with the slightest hint of a sense of humor.  It’s got some star power (Ben Stiller, Goldberg the Goalie), classic Disney innuendo that kids miss and adults love, and the most badass Go Kart in the world.  Seriously, I’d rather have that Go Kart when it’s all souped up than a Ferrari.  Any rich person could own a Ferrari.  I’ve seen plenty of them around Chicago.  You know why?  Because there’s too many self-indulgent wieners in this city with too much bloody money.  But me?  No, no… I’m a connoisseur*.  Give me the Badass Heavyweights Go Kart and watch me fly.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  There’s plenty to discuss before we get to the Apache Relay.

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*My contract with THG requires me to reference at least one Nic Cage movie per post.  If you frequent this site, you can probably guess the movie here.

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HOW TERRIBLE WOULD FAT CAMP BE?

I can’t even imagine.  As a kid?  That’s freaking brutal.  It’s not enough that your parents are basically telling you that you’re a little fatty…  they’re gonna force you to suffer at Camp Hope.  But hey, the Bushkins seem like good people.  And they might have jet skis!  YES.  But alas, it was not meant to be and the Bushkins declare bankruptcy.  If I had to make a list of my top 10 favorite bankruptcy declarations, I’d say the Bushkins are a close second on that list behind this:

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That’s tough to top.  I mean, if Frank Costanza couldn’t head that list, then you know Michael Scott is doing something right.

Continue reading “A Side Of Ranch - Heavyweights” »

First and foremost I have now come up with a new name for chucky cheeses where pedophiles hang out…Chubby Cheeses

Being a New Englander, the past few days have been rough. Actually so rough they have caused me to gain 6 pounds since Sunday. See when the Pats lose, my ability to function also goes out the window along with adding 3000 calories to my diet. I have yet to eat a home cooked meal or a self made lunch at work because of it. Subway? sounds good. 6 grams of fat or less subs? No thank you. Footlong Meatball (1160 cal. 70 carbs and 1500 mg sodium) sounds better. Salad for dinner? Sure with a side of 2 double cheese burgers and 2 large fries thank you very much, oh and hold the salad. My mom asks why I do this to myself and I simply respond. “Yo Adrian, I am in a bulking phase”. (Her name definitely is not Adrian FYI) You know where you eat a shit ton and gain serious muscle mass then afterwards cut all the fat and your jacked. My  problem though is the lack of actually stepping foot into a gym. So I come to the best workout of all. Kriss Kross’s JUMP!

These little fuckers sure are in good shape. They make Billy Blanks look like a woman’s aerobic step class. Although the dance moves pale in comparison to Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer they literally have some of the most exhausting, stamina demanding moves I have ever seen. When this shit was played all throughout college I swear my vertical increased by 10 inches.

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s - Kriss Kross and Eating Habits” »

Of all The Hottest New Dance Moves on The Hot Glove, Like Berney is easily the hottest. And of all the people doing the Berney in the world this kid is easily the best. Its like a black hole of “like Berney”. Just a perfect storm of Berney caught on tape. Berney how it was meant to be bernied. Berney in its purest form.

PS

If I ever become mature enough to have a child of my own (highly highly doubtful) he will be berneying before he walks. And that’s not a wish, thats a fact.

Been a while since we’ve had a submission to The Hottest New Dance Move category. I guess when times are tough the only thing you can do is put on a catholic school girl skirt and jump up every 10-15 seconds.

WHADDAP!!!

Wait, so let me get this straight. All you have to do is grab a couple of knifes, dance around in a dirt circle and stab your friend a few dozen times and all the women will be chasing your junk? Sign me the fuck up. Who cares about stab wounds and internal bleeding. Those are minor details when you’re trying to own the dance floor. If I have to get stabbed, so be it. Turkish knife dance is the hot new movie and turkish knife dance is what I’ll be doing come Friday night.

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Someone call up our old friend, I have a feeling this move was made for him.

Well we had a good run didnt we? We had smangin it, reefin it, like berney, wheelchair shawty, all dance moves that will make the ladies horny as fuck. Unfortunately this is the first move that will have the exact OPPOSITE effect. But who knows, maybe someone out there is specifically trying NOT to get laid. If that’s the case, Double Dream Hands is the hottest dance move on the planet. Just straight asexual mojo coming out of those double dream hands.

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I’m stealing that crank. The crank is hot fire, you know it, I know it, and the whole world knows it.

I’m kind of undecided on this move. I mean yeah its pretty cool that you get to slide around on the floor looking up babe’s skirts but there has to be a family member in that line somewhere right? And everyone knows how the old saying goes, Its all fun and games until you’ve got a face full of Aunt Donna’s panties, then its just fucking gross.

Why am I the only one panicking about the season almost being over? Does no one else care? People do realize that we are one short month away from the end of the regular season and another short month away from NO FOOTBALL. Then I’ll have to do real person things like laundry, and errands and brushing my teeth. Fuck that noise. If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we have football all year? Someone get Stephen Hawkings on the phone, that nerd bag can figure anything out.

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I think I’ve finally met my Microsoft Paint match - the football helmet. Holy fuck does that thing look like shit. Did anyone even know that was supposed to be a football helmet on Hawking’s face? Oh well, guess I can’t be amazing at everything, just most things.

Picks….

Chicago @ Detroit +4.5 - Uh oh is that Drew Stanton’s music? Why yes, yes it is.

Sidenote - Do the Lions exclusively take Michigan and MSU players as their backups? Little did you know Drew Stanton’s backup is John Navarre and John Navarre’s backup is Jeff Smoker.

Buffalo +6 @ Minnesota - Hey Vikings fans you cant complain this week because the team you’re playing is actually more pathetic than your franchise. Shocking right? But anytime you can get two teams that are a combined 0-8 in Super Bowls you can’t help but tune in.

Denver @ Kansas City -9 - The Finger Point Round 2! I can’t fucking wait.

Sidenote - Pat Bowlen, broncos owner said this this week “”I’m not interested in making a coaching change”, translation - I’m stilling paying that bronze son of a bitch shanahan and theres no way in hell I’m paying that dickbag McDaniels to sit on his couch and eat potato chips. Good times in Denver.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Week 13 NFL Picks” »

I’m not going to lie I have zero idea what is going on in this video. Like it wasn’t enough that 4 dudes are just dancing in some random place stealing the brides thunder with their little gig but then that guy at 1:20 starts shooting off a gun? Wow. I’m impressed. I never even thought about bringing guns into the dancing game. Revolutionary.

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I’d be shocked if this dance move doesnt sweep the nation by the end of this holiday season. It will be like the new wheelchair shawty, except with hand holding and guns.

Is this dance move mildly offensive? You bet. Does that mean I can ignore it? Fuck no. I would be letting everyone down if I let my morals get in the way of my dancing. So go ahead and do the wheelchair shawty, just know that you’re most likely going to hell.

PS

I’m a little upset that Like Berney got dethroned that quickly. Usually takes at least a month for me to find the next greatest move. I guess everyone is coming out with their new shit for the holidays.

Lets face it, nothing says family time around the christmas tree like pretending you are a wheelchair bound handicapped person.