Sep 16 2010

Florida Man Can’t Contain The Urge, “Enjoys Himself” In Wal-Mart Aisle

North Port, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - William Tyler Black, a 28-year-old North Port area substitute teacher was jailed Tuesday after he allegedly jacked off in the toy isle of an area Wal-mart with a Sports Illustrated magazine in hand.

According to North Port police, officers were called when store employees found Black in the toy isle masturbating to a Brooklyn Decker swimsuit edition of Sport’s Illustrated. Store security told the officer an employee became alerted when she heard a moaning sound in the next isle. When she rounded the corner to investigate the sound, she witnessed Black masturbating with an erect penis outside his pants.

Employees then watched while Black used his foot to smear the puddle of semen left on the floor. He then allegedly wiped his hands off on a nearby toy (reportedly a toy light saber), before stashing the magazine in a pile of toys.

Investigators say Black continued to shop while employees blocked the isle so no other shoppers would become contaminated or slip on the floor.

Black was arrested and booked into the Sarasota County Jail on charges of indecent exposure and battery (by leaving harmful fluids behind). His bond has been set at $2,000.

Ho hum just another day in a Florida Wal-Mart. Is this even news worthy? It would be like me saying everday this winter that it was kind of cold in Chicago . No shit its cold,  its Chicago. No shit some guy jacked off in a Wal-Mart in Florida, its a Wal-Mart in Florida.

But you know who the real criminal is here, Sports Illustrated and Brooklyn Decker. Didn’t that issue come out like 3 months ago? And its still on display racks? That’s fucked up. You know William Black probably walked by that magazine everyday, seeing Brooklyn Decker’s eyes that say “Jerk off to me right now in this store”, and he was able to hold off for so long. Then one day he couldn’t handle it and just had to do it. Brooklyn Decker can’t look all hot in your face 24/7 without you masturbating in a Wal-Mart at least once. I mean come on, every man has his limits.


Wiping your baby batter on a toy? You got more class than that William Tyler Black


I like how the Wal-Mart employees quarantined the aisle like it was outbreak or something. You can’t tell me that was the first time there was a jizz spill on a Wal-Mart floor. I just won’t believe it.


2 Responses to “Florida Man Can’t Contain The Urge, “Enjoys Himself” In Wal-Mart Aisle”

  1. timbo says:

    Wal-Mart definitely sees its fair share of cum

  2. Fat Bastard says:

    brings me back to my college days where a buddy and myself were in walmart picking up some shit when he tried to fart on me. He shit his pants though and when he stuck his hand down there to check he had moist crap on his hands. He proceeded to wipe it on some products and the shelf holding them and he tried to get me to leave ASAP. I told him to clean his ass before I drove him home. That store is disgusting yet amazing at the same time.

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